I have a diary of all my appointments and events but after the news a few weeks ago about more skin cancer I just lost all focus on what was going on around me. forgot appointments and I go to see a skin cancer doctor a lot and I knew something was wrong for a long time. the gyno said the vaginal itch is definately not in my imagination. its embarasing and I just feel more persecuted and abused really. I did enough vaginal cutting on my self as self punishment as a child for the sexual abuse- this is just adding to the hurt and feelings of always being punished that somehow it was all my fault- but a therapist today told me its normal to go through this upset and fear. I have to do what ever treatment I can to heal and get better. I hate neddles I am scared of having to go through vaginal reconstructive surgery due to skin cancer and abnormal cells that showed up and I am just praying that it won't be so bad as all that or have to go that far. - what did I ever do to deserve all this? as a child of 4? what little girl of 4 looks for this abuse and neglect and harshness because I never did. I don't understand why I have never been really loved how I wanted to be loved. I wanted children and marriage so badly. I was just afraid to make a move fear of being attacked and bashed. I long to have a normal healthy sex life and love life, a love of my own! I don't understand what god does this to children? its making me question my faith and not that I could turn to satanism, I never could, even I used to laugh at some of those comedy things and other times I would cry because they actually werent funny for the real victims of it.

Pride Abuse Violence Sex

I have a diary of all my appointments and events but after the news a few weeks ago about more skin cancer I just lost all focus on what was going on around me. forgot appointments and I go to see a skin cancer doctor a lot and I knew something was wrong for a long time. the gyno said the vaginal itch is definately not in my imagination. its embarasing and I just feel more persecuted and abused really. I did enough vaginal cutting on my self as self punishment as a child for the sexual abuse- this is just adding to the hurt and feelings of always being punished that somehow it was all my fault- but a therapist today told me its normal to go through this upset and fear. I have to do what ever treatment I can to heal and get better. I hate neddles I am scared of having to go through vaginal reconstructive surgery due to skin cancer and abnormal cells that showed up and I am just praying that it won't be so bad as all that or have to go that far. - what did I ever do to deserve all this? as a child of 4? what little girl of 4 looks for this abuse and neglect and harshness because I never did. I don't understand why I have never been really loved how I wanted to be loved. I wanted children and marriage so badly. I was just afraid to make a move fear of being attacked and bashed. I long to have a normal healthy sex life and love life, a love of my own! I don't understand what god does this to children? its making me question my faith and not that I could turn to satanism, I never could, even I used to laugh at some of those comedy things and other times I would cry because they actually werent funny for the real victims of it.

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and I am not forgiving, we are a family that don't forgive my older sister says all the time! and I won't forgive anyone! my parents said I don't have to forgive anyone who has abused me from churches or anywhere.

and I am not forgiving, we are a family that don't forgive my older sister says all the time! and I ...

Pride Abuse Hate

one physiotherapist I went to when I was really ill did really hard massage on my left shoulder and he said to me "you have an incredible tolerance to pain" and I thought "yeh well don't push it mate!" because he seemed to go all the harded and then said to me "you will feel like you are having a heart attack but your not" sure enough a few days later I was packing off to another doctor beside myself in over my mastoid eventhough all the mri's and ct scans were showing what they said was "nothing" yet the ambulance officer said "there is a good reason why you have been sent to the neurologist/brain surgeon" the heart pain was out of this world serveral times in a few months I thought I was going to die I could tell when my heart was slowing down and I would be pacing around all hours of the night trying to breath and I was seeing another physiotherapist as well for pnemonia treatment and I just wondered why people were doing all this to me? ever since I was a kid people were putting this shit down on me, then all this deliberate isolation like I was some leppa or freakin criminal on parole going to russos answering the big bear gruff which was just insanity. all these doctors and tests all saying "no nothing is wrong, yes you have a ear infection but you won't die" and I was like well why the hell is this driving me insane the infection took forever to go down and once the ent did the surgery on my ear drum I had all this blood on the roof of my mouth for weeks and I couldn't brush my teeth so I was using salt a lot and I couldn't wash my hair because everytime I did it felt like my brain water was swelling and you just get sick of doctors saying shit at you that its like they are taking a bit off you rather then being sincer and polite, and there were a few really good doctors as well. one indian young doctor at the hospital was amazingly thorough, I get really annoyed sometimes because a lot of doctors today forget very basic procedures like BP and pulse and looking into throat and eyes and chest - they are often as lazy as the cops and will take the laziest way out of a case which years ago doctors would never do. I was insulted a number of times and I was warned to shut up and let the situation go and ignore all the bullying and if I said anything it was like I was going to get it I got the warning via other people however, they use other people to talk through them. that is what I don't like its really snide too. and I was not going to back down. I told one indian female doctor to go shove it because I was polite to her and she would giggle and shake her head and say the specialists didn't prescript the right thing or it wouldn't work what they prescribed and I said "I have to trust my gp i have to rely on you to work with my specialists and tell me things if they don't, if you think its an issue say so say why? don't just giggle and she was like "I don't need to read all that from the specialist I am a doctor" and I said yes but I am not! I need you to follow with the speciaist and not have me as lettuce leaf between the sandwich. why are you working against the specialists every time? why do you keep saying they are wrong?" that only puts more doubt and upset on me then making me question them more and more. I don't need anymore doubt I already have plenty, and I don't want anyone ruining my professional relationships with any more of my doctors becausse its annoying having to change doctors I need to settle somewhere and trust what they say. I try my best to ignore as much as I can, but I don't need the unwanted comments that are insulting because believe me, I can be insulting and slash back unexpectly at people too! I have my ways and means of finding peoples secrets out. I will undo people who mess with me, I hate my neighbors for attacking D, he can answer for himsself if he wronged me.

one physiotherapist I went to when I was really ill did really hard massage on my left shoulder and ...

I just went out for a few hours at lunch and sitting under a tree and wait at the bus stop and I got really sunburnt I don't know how I was careful but careful enough. I hate getting burnt, oh I am always doing something wrong when I don't mean to. the world hates me because I am a dog ugly fat old loser - what can I say?

I just went out for a few hours at lunch and sitting under a tree and wait at the bus stop and I got...

Pride Abuse Hate