its weird that I really feel I have had to learn to hate myself as I did as a child all over again to find peace in myself but I am still sexually and romantically unfullfilled and I know I have a lot of love to give a man and long for marriage which is now becoming nothing but an embarrasement and deep hurt now, that in some way I failed to be worthy and captivating enough to engage a mans love or attentions in all the normal ways a woman should expect to, like my sister had her lovely perfect wedding day young, so did my cousin louise who I used to look up to because she was so clever and I was the dumb one I guess, brigette had her lovely wedding day young as did karen my brothers wife and other family members and I am thinking "what the fuck hell was so fucking wrong about me?" why wasn't I good enough at 21? or 24 or 30? why did I have to be this expection and be date raped something I never pictured in the story of myself. it was something I always dreaded and feared being raped because as a child when I was being molested I didn't have that vocabulary at 5 to say "this old man is molesting me or he is a pedophile" I didn't know the words, I just had seen rape scenes on tv shows and soaps and movies and the girl or woman feeling wounded and that was my only way to describe what this old man was doing to me, it felt dirty and wrong, it felt strange and made me want to faint, and yet sexual orgasm was interesting but it all became a hell for me as a 4 or 5 year old I would describe him abusing me often as raping me cuz that was all I knew in words it felt shameful and guilty and shocking and gross. i think that people don't understand that I was sexually assaulted as a child by many people not just 1 person. there were other people, older kids female and male, other old men and being attacked in the throat was painful and that was all because I was copying this abusive man who was doing this to me copying his swearing he was always calling me :a little cunt, and I think it is disgraceful of any man to speak like that to a child a little girl of 4 or 5 is just so upsetting. the dirty things he said to me and the shit he was putting in my head. it was not right and nothing that I have been through has ever been handled right which only makes the problems all the more worse and upsetting. the house fire the alcoholism the killing of live stock and burning off bodies makes me sick. that is shame.