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There is so much on my mind right now I don't know where or how to start. I am exhausted I am tired I am lonely I am stressed I am crowded. I don't want to be with people, but I do not want to be alone either. University isn't killing me right now no one knows how I feel alone in this with one test after another and another. Work is horrible, I am being bullied and threatened. I just want it all to stop. I just want to sleep.

There is so much on my mind right now I don't know where or how to start. I am exhausted I am tired ...

please stop judging me. stop calling me short, fat, and ugly. you guys say OH WHY DIDN'T YOU LOSE WEIGHT EARLIER IF YOU WANTED LOVE AND WORK? WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS OR THAT TO PERFECTION? well as if you were any perfection when you were part of the problem stopping me from blooming! LIKE I SAID AGES ON HERE< THAT SONG FROM ICEHOUSE IS ME MY VERSION OF "MY OBSESSION" IS- MY DEPRESSION < MY DEPRESSION IS YOU, THE GHOST OF YOU THAT GETS ME EVERYTIME, WON'T LET GO TIL IT BRINGS ME DOWN, BLA BLA BLA, MY DEPRESSION IS YOU YEH ITS YOU, "that i never do anything and that i should get my lazy ass up. but every time i try to do something, all i receive is criticism and hurtful comments. why do you guys keep bring my confidence down and crushing my self esteem. it hurts so much that i cant even say anything but cry to myself. you guys never agree to the things a like and just throw me aside. when i try to obedient, you guys say im boring. when i try to be nice you guys tell me to stop being a push over. when i be mean or make one small mistake, i suddenly become the world biggest bitch. what is it that you guys want from me!? what can i ever to do to make you guys satisfied? its hurts. i dont want to do anything anymore. i feel so small and suffocated. your my family and yet i have to prepare myself to face hateful comments whenever i want to do or say something. the fact that i have to prepare myself and knowing that i will get bulllshit makes me feel so so so fucking pathetic. all of you are so different from your actions. you all keep saying that i should be grateful bc you are wasting money to raise me. arent you just saying that im a waste? how can i be fucking grateful when i keep getting hurt from your words!?! does that even make sense?!?! should i say yes thank you so much for wasting your precious money to raise a pathetic human being like me!? NO FUCKING NO I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS. I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT TO BE GOOD AND OBEDIENT BUT NONE OF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ME. NONE OF YOU PRAISE OR COMPLEMENT ME. ALL I GET IS FUCKING BULLSHIT OF WHY ARE YOU SO FAT UGLY, NOTHING ABOUT ME EVER GOOD ENOUGH NO MATTER WHAT I STUDY OR DO OR WHATEVER I BEEN DONE, SO I KEEP A LOT SECRET NOW, ONLY SHOW GLIMPSES OF THE REAL ME TO ANYONE. WHY CANT YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE WORTH TO BOTHER. HOW OLD ARE YOU THAT U CANT EVEN DO SOMETHING THAT EASY. YOUR SO SLOW GROW UP. just stop talking. i dont want to hear it anymore. stooping calling me out when you are doing the same thing. plz just stop talking. i wont be able to take it anymore. just stop already.

please stop judging me. stop calling me short, fat, and ugly. you guys say OH WHY DIDN'T YOU LOSE WE...

i broke out in a hives allergy rash a few times and a skin swelling disorder / rash in 2003 when working in a office from buying 2nd hand clothing at the thrift shops. I used to buy pre-loved clothing as a teen and adult occasionally but got really into it in my late 20s cuz I started my antiques collections of furniture and vintage clothing. I don't always wear my vintage style clothing in fear of being made fun of. but I have some nice old things but I got a skin swelling blistering rash after being exposed to someone who had menigicocal at the private college I was at and I also was exposed to a virus that was leaked at the university campus I was going to as well. I would wake in shaking shivery sweats in my 20s a lot due to this, and then have vomitting bouts out of nowhere usually on first day of period always so I gave up taking painkillers where as I was always on pain killers for period pain from the age 11 til 25 then when i got the hot night sweats I always got them with my periods and all I could do was sleep out the pain for 24 hours. then I got a non-paralysising form of polio that has been painful and slipped discs in the back and neck disc injuries from car accident and I know i should have gone to hospital the night i accidently had the wrong antibiotics that i was allergic to the pain was awful all i could do was sleep it out but looking back i should have gone to hospital then, i have the vomitting time with liver fluke infection, and heaps of blood tests and mri's on my brain and back and legs. they did everything. cardioultrasounds and transvaginal ultrasounds cuz of swollen ovaries and infections and bowel problems and they thought i had a bladder tumor and kidney stones but could not prove anything without key hole surgery. I still get chunching sounds in my neck and ear and around the membrane of my brain that is due from 2nd generation antihistimines one pharmaist told me and the back/brain surgeons wouldn't agree with anything so I am none the wiser. I been exposed to bird flu, swine flu, whooping cough, and this rash from 2011 at fernwood gym from their washers with oils and that I had to take doxy for a long time close to 2 years and I refused to take it after i got really sick one night and vomitted because i accidently drank milk, which you can't drink milk with doxy and I know why it will cramp your stomach and make you vomit badly. so i put up with the rash that they said was allergens or unknown virus (like as if there is such a thing today as a unknown virus/bactrial/fungal infection, I will say no more on that topic!!!!) and to last 3 -4 years in the end i got off doxy and had innerhealth vit k and it fixed most of the rash and it comes back every so often now when I use sunscreen. and the cancer i had to have cut out was all due to the podiatrist i worked for, he was spreading germs everywhere with used gloves. they are supposed to wear 2 sets of gloves for blood procedures in dental and operations or physical body fluids examinations. i am sick of them trying to harm me.

i broke out in a hives allergy rash a few times and a skin swelling disorder / rash in 2003 when wor...