all in one

i'll only do one of these just to get it off my conscious so that i know that it's out there somewhere: <ul> <li>i'm bi, nobody knows and my mother happened to make an off hand comment about if she ever found out one of her children were with someone of the same sex she would disown them</li> <li>i'm in love with my best friends, but she doesn't know it</li> <li>i'm a girl and my best friend is a girl too</li> <li>i hate my father, i'll never forgive him and i don't feel bad about it because he was given ample times to mend his ways...he didn't now he is out of the picture, and i am glad</li> <li>i've chosen wicca as my religion, but my mother doesn't know</li> <li>my family is catholic, they don't like jewish people or other religions, they think it is stupid and i'm ashamed of them</li> <li>my mother has made a lot of racial comments about people, mostly african americans, and i'm ashamed of her</li> <li>i have a lot of gay friends but i won't come out of the closet as a bisexual even though they would accept me because i'm too guarded and ashamed</li> <li>i can admit all this anonymously on the internet, but not even to myself in a diary or to a close friend, for that, i'm truly sorry because i don't have as much trust in them as i should</li> </ul>
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I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But looking at me you would never know. People are catching on as my life falls apart. I've been living like a quadruple life I guess. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't think of anything I like. I hate everything and everyone. I have no friends left, the women of my life cheated lied and stole the entire time I've known them. Most of my buddies too. Just users you know. I always offer too much and people gladly accept my generosity. I always try and help but it eventually becomes them being entirely dependent on me. Then they go and I've lost so much in them. I never see the fruits of my labours. Now I'm totally alone. And financially ruined. Relying on booze and drugs to feel better about the shitty person I am. I pray to god thanking him only, not asking for more. He still rewards me a lot. Gives me great opportunity and strength to conquer challenges. But I can't conquer myself. I want to end my life. Nobody would notice except the few leeches who still cling to my generosity. Everybody I've helped is doing great. I never took time to take care of myself, or set myself up better. My friends, wife, in laws, girlfriends, and associates have all benefitted greatly from my efforts but I'm fucked mentally physically and financially. I even still protect people after they betray me. Keep their secrets, bend to their requests. I'm going to blow my brains out. I hate this world, it's ruined anyway. Goodby you fucked up people. There's a good chance that there is someone in your life going through this who helped you a lot. I bet you won't even reach out to repay what's owed. Sick fucking society world wide.

I put this under waste because I've wasted my life. Here it goes. I'm bad like really bad. But loo...