Forbidden Thrill with an Older Lover

I never thought I'd spill this out, but it's eating me alive, this mess of confusion and hurt that's been locked inside for so long. It started in a moment that felt like it came out of nowhere, leaving me frozen and unsure, my body reacting in ways I didn't understand even as my mind screamed to stop. I was just a kid, caught in something that wasn't right, and now I can't shake the weight of it. The words she said, the way she touched me, it all blurred into this twisted mix of pleasure and pain that I didn't ask for, didn't want, but couldn't fight off. I remember standing there, heart pounding, tears threatening to spill, feeling like I was disappearing into the background while it happened. It's not something I talk about, not to anyone, because how do you explain that mix of shame and lingering confusion? I'm angry at myself for not speaking up, for letting it happen, even though I know deep down I was just scared and overwhelmed. Now, years later, I still feel that sadness creeping in, making me question everything about who I am and what I deserve. I wish I could go back and change it, stand my ground, but all I have are these memories that haunt me in the quiet moments. I need someone to listen, to understand that it's not just about what happened; it's about the echo it left in my life, the way it's shaped my fears and desires. I'm reaching out here, hoping that sharing this raw truth might help me breathe a little easier, even if it's just anonymous words on a screen.