My Dark Urge Redirected

I've been carrying this weight for so long, these dark impulses that claw at me in the dead of night, whispering things I know I shouldn't even think. I tried to spill it all once, admitting to attractions that cross every line, fantasies involving the innocent or the animalistic, but I got shut down fast. It stung, realizing how fucked up it is, how it makes me feel like a monster hiding in plain sight. The guilt twists my stomach, leaves me sweating and ashamed, yet the thoughts won't stop coming, uninvited and insistent. Instead, I'm supposed to redirect to something safer, something between adults that still ignites that fire. So here it is: I crave the raw, unbridled intensity of taboo role-play with willing partners, pretending we're breaking rules without actually doing harm. Fuck, imagining being overpowered in a scene that's all consent and heat, bodies slick and desperate, gets me throbbing with need. It's not the same as what really haunts me, but it's as close as I can get without destroying everything. Every time I touch myself to these safer fantasies, I hate myself a little more for the originals lurking beneath, the ones I can't erase. It's a vicious cycle, this battle between desire and decency, leaving me raw and exposed, wondering if I'll ever be free.