I feel so dumb for even feeling this way! Basically after my ex left me and my kids I vowed I would never love again, I would focus my life on much needed self improvement and of course being the best parent I can be!

I feel so dumb for even feeling this way! Basically after my ex left me and my kids I vowed I would never love again, I would focus my life on much needed self improvement and of course being the best parent I can be!
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Ex BF Fucked me like a Slut I was on vacation back in my country and was going to meet my Ex BF. We planned to meet at 5pm. He picked me up from a Mall, as I told hubby that I am going to go shopping with some school friends and then may be a movie. He has a pick-up van. He drove for about 30 mins looking for a spot but due to long weekend in south Africa all the spots were busy. All this time I was under impression that he will take me to some hotel room and we will have sex. It got dark now, and we finally found a place. He stopped at a place by road side, asked me to at the back seat, he started kissing me and took my top off. He started sucking my boobs like there is no tomorrow. Then we saw some cars coming to our direction, so he jumped in the drivers seat, leaving my half naked at the back and drove the car again. After driving me naked for almost another 30 mins, as he had my top in the front. He found yet another spot and stopped by the beach front, came at the back, opened the back door, climbed inside, wore his condom, pulled my pant and underwear, now im completely naked on his back seat. My right leg was hanging down the floor of the van and the other one in his hand. Without any emotions he pushed his hard dick inside me and started fucking me deep and hard with lots of bum movements. Squeezing my boobs very hard while fucking me in the back of the Van, he continued this for a very long time I think I came while he was fucking me. He gave me pain in my groin and after a very long road side fucking he made a grunt and came. He was sweating and went out of the Van. Throwing his condom on the road, he jumped at the front of the Van and started driving. Leaving me naked at the back of the Van, I got dressed myself and jumped in the front while he drove. He used me like this for about 5 hours. Then later in the night he dropped me outside my house. He did not even care for buying a dinner for me a asked me for a bottle of water I had met him after almost 20 years and was hoping a decent hotel room, but I was treated like a cheap road side whore who just got dropped outside the house after a very cheap, and raw fucking. He knows that I am a very reputable lawyer back in my country, yet on that day I was just his whore that got fucked at the back of the seat on a dirty road.

Ex BF Fucked me like a Slut I was on vacation back in my country and was going to meet my Ex BF. W...

Why can't I stop after one drink?? I know, I know...I'm an alcoholic, just not daily drinker. I'm an occasional binger. I don't miss it at all when I'm home or at work, I'm just a blackout drunk at any social occasion. It doesn't affect my job, or my home life, because I live alone and always make it to work. I don't drink at all during the week unless I have an outing to go to where I'm expected to socialize, and the anxiety/boredom of socializing gets to me, so I have a drink. Then two, then 5. Then I don't remember. I feel amazing, confident, hilarious, extroverted at first...until I'm not, and suddenly I'm the friend someone needs to drive home and everybody looks sorry for. I normally forget the last part of the night. Fortunately, I'm usually told I was just drunk and hilarious (and mildly annoying), then people felt sorry for me later on (the WORST) but that I didn't say anything bad to anyone. I'm lucky I've never had a DUI, hurt someone physically, been assaulted, or god forbid puked or peed on something, etc., somehow I've always made it home "safe and sound" (uber is my friend), but I have lost phones, jewelry, jackets, my dignity, respect.....oy. I want to move to a new town, but I know that won't fix it. But I feel so humiliated and hung over for days that I can't believe I just go on to do it the next time I go out. So I've stopped going out unless I absolutely have to. And that's my new problem. I have no friends now because I only want to socialize if I can drink, and I'm too terrified to chance it. I'm a complete hermit. Then I went to a wedding last weekend and yep, had to be driven home by a kind friend. I fell "half a dozen times" according to him on the way to the car. I realize how fortunate I was that he got me home, but I wish so bad there was a drug that would cut me off in that optimal confidence/fun phase and not let me into the danger zone. I know it's not possible for me. Abstinence still sounds horrifying to me, but I know this isn't something I can control. Rant over. Just feeling ashamed for doing this *again*, and having to wonder who saw me, what they think of me, hoping they were too drunk to notice or that they thought "you get a pass" to be drunk at weddings." I hate myself, but when I'm in the OBZ (optimal booze zone), I've been told I'm the most charming woman on the planet and everyone wants to get to know me and hang out because I'm "so fun and know how to make people feel good and laugh" with my words. People have actually told me I'm more fun when I drink. Ack. I can't believe I still do this. I don't even drink hard alcohol, but wine/light beer can knock me flat when I'm nervous drinking and it starts tasting like water. Ok, rant over. Just still going through the shame and wondering why I haven't adversely conditioned myself yet. I just don't seem to enjoy any kind of socializing sober. At all. I'm fidgety and uncomfortable. So...maybe there is a pill to like hanging out with normal people so I'll have fun? Ha, kidding. But I wish. Sadface.

Why can't I stop after one drink?? I know, I know...I'm an alcoholic, just not daily drinker. I'm a...