Degeneración....

I felt really deprived today with out my 3x 750ml of water before lunch just to go to the eye specialist. who would have thought I would have ended up a complete sot laying in bed drinking down bottles of water all day studying cramming that much study in like a freak? It started with kidney ultrasounds and bloodtests having to drink a lot of water and I have to drink double to everyone else to thin my blood down to get any thing out in a blood test, I just freak out all the time and cry if my viens collapses often and if I get blood takers who are not confident it annoys me, I need ones who are really confident and then I don't feel it as bad. I have to say I do sometimes feel better afterwards with blood tests but I can't cope with just getting out 2 lots so I have wanted to give blood its so important to give blood to the blood bank but I worry about things with my blood. when I had the ear infections it was awful I couldn't drink water and would have to drop supply down and suffer it out and it was painful on my kidneys and I thought I was going to die several times. dying is not an easy thing to do. its scary I hope I die in my sleep when I am old and die quick not slow, the fear drives you nuts. I can't handle the whole thing we just avoid it, I have said I do worry I could die before my mum and worry for my cats to be looked after, but I am a water freak, I can down 7 or more of 750ml water plus tea and other things. I go to the toilet for something to do. but I have been trying to pee out a kidney stone and its shit awful. you have drink lots of lemon or lime. I need ambulance people who know the f what they are doing especially with my chest and heart pain and I am not making things up . I don't understand why it seems to get better when I am around hospital or doctors or heart monitors and then as soon as its gone I am freaking out, I can't stand heart racing and pain or slow heart rate its painful.

I felt really deprived today with out my 3x 750ml of water before lunch just to go to the eye specia...

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a heart attack at my scream high pitched "shut up" or "die die die" or "fuck off fuck off FUck off" and I get so agro around my period, if you think its hard for you how much harder do you think it is for me living in this pain? my cancer specialist said that the vaginal skin can take up to a year to heal its been hell but not near as hell as my ear and head, and over exposure to xrays on my brain. most days I just worry about getting through the day if I will live it out to be honest, and avoid issues with my brain or heart because it terrifies me to the point I drove doctors mad, I know that. no amount of tests would make me believe nothing was wrong ever since my friend died it impacted me so deeply for some reason I can't explain. she was a middle aged woman with kids and young husband I sometimes wish she had not have put it all on me, its like the suicide stuff and cancer and then just become obessed to want to avoid it, you avoid life to avoid death, and that sounds stupid. I know I have a slight form of pyschosis, but I won't tell my psychiatrist that >LOL, he can work it out for himself he has more knowledge on the brain and body then me. so I just get into volitile and irritable moods and server depression moments and I put on a fake jolly act as well for my parents, and I learnt to bounce around hospital beds during heart problems to get the dam hell out of their and then I would want to go back. sometimes I just want to feel safe and loved. all I get is fucking women hugging me and its annoying. I want a mans attentions and affections. like it just upsets me that people can't see that I have feelings. when I was not sleeping for about 5 weeks straight I just knew I needed that doctors help. we all have breaking points and I was so scared I was going to die and even he said that to me afterwards. I just want to move on and find the love I have missed out on. the longer I wait the more volitile I become. the screaming and fear of will I die, will I make it through the day, avoid this symptom or that. cope for everyone or you will look a coward and weak and as a woman is any woman allowed to be those things unless your pretty? no !

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a he...

so I have fucked off another surgeon I think I he is a good doctor and surgeon obviously done more study then I could be bothered doing but just upsetting me, so i feel upset because I need to rely on my doctors to be responsible and sensitive to my needs and feelings and health, its a brain thing .... you feel the sinuses (blood veins etc) in your brain going crazy its scary! one day I might even cry about it all the fear I was living in and I hugged this girl who had to have brain surgery she just reminded me of me I could see the fear in her face and I dont think I could cope with brain surgery too quickly if ever, like heart surgery - the aim is to avoid it because prevention is better then the cure.

so I have fucked off another surgeon I think I he is a good doctor and surgeon obviously done more s...