shooting at pedestrians

I think I'm bipolar/crazy. Right now, I'm just listening to music thinking about life, love, etc. I don't know why. I am 16, I've had a relationship with a 28 year old man. I know he's a really nice guy, I just know it. He's just everything I wanted and when he ended it with me I was too much in shock to even feel the hurt. I don't know why I'm so attached to someone who is halfway past their life, while I'm barely starting mine. He's still there for me if I would need him. If I need someone to talk to, if I need to feel some comfort(from a friend). Maybe when I'm older he'd give me another try. I just don't want to wait that long. I've been through h*** last week. I've almost gotten hospitalized, I got dumped, and I got hurt from someone I'd called my bestfriend since I was 12. This all happened in one week. There are times where I just feel like nothing in this world matters. I just want to die. I've committed suicide before, I just never got the guts to actually do it. I spent my whole life trying to make my mother proud. I would bring home certificates, get recognized, bring home a trophy, bring home report cards with A's and wish she would tell me once that she's proud to have a daughter like me. Instead my whole life all I ever get are criticism. Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard for? It's not gonna make a difference. I wish I can just have that mother daughter relationship with her, but she doesn't understand me at all. She thinks she does, but she knows absolutely nothing about me. I grew up in a family of 5 without a father. I'm known as an overachiever according to some of my friends because I try too hard. I just want to be the first to be successful in my family. I want people around me to notice me. My friends mean everything to me, I'm not missing anything. But sometimes talking to my friends about problems aren't enough. I want to be able to talk about it to my FAMILY. There's absolutely nothing I haven't been through. Some people thinks their life is so difficult, they don't know what the real image behind it is. I've been through it. Maybe that's why I act too mature for my age. I've been told by many many people I act too old. I'm too serious sometimes. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there, but deep down inside I can't help but feel like that. I use to cut myself in middle school everytime something bad would happen because it makes the pain inside less painful. atm, I really hate my family. I don't want to see them. I'm a total outcast. I don't fit in. ANYWHERE not just here. that's just how I feel. My friends would tell me otherwise, but I can't help but think they're lying to me. And back with boys, I can't stand guys my age, nor immature guys. I always tend to go for older guys, maybe at least 2years older. I find them a lot more mature. But again boys ARE boys. Everytime something goes wrong, even though it's not true, my mind always thinks one direction. He's bored of me, he has someone else. most of the time I tend to think of things on the negative side. I've been heartbroken twice. I want to just give up on everything. I tend to give out really good advice when people are in trouble, but why can't I take my own advice. Like the saying goes, easier said than done. Every single time after a heartbreak, I feel like I need to put myself out there. I feel the NEED of having an affection. I know I don't need a guy in my life to be happy, but every now and then I want to feel the passion, affection, love. So I tend to throw myself out there not thinking, and then later discover that I really regret it. But then its too late already. I feel like a s*** myself. Anything dirty. At times I feel like a w****. I'm only 16, I've had 8 partners already. I don't even believe in having s** this early, especially with that much partners, but it's just me. I can't help it and I always do it without thinking. Then I feel like a total hypocrite. Drama in school isn't enough, but drama at home also. then everytime something bad happens, I go out till 3,4 in the morning coming home wasted. I don't want to do this stuff, but it makes me feel better. I just feel the need for it. I don't know... I tell my friends everything, but I don't tell them all this stuff because I'm afraid of what they would think of me. I mean people say they don't care what others think, but it's just all bullshit. People DO care. Some just show it more than others, it's just a human trait you don't get away from. I just think I'm a really lonely, sad girl. I'm PATHETIC.... I don't know...

I think I'm bipolar/crazy. Right now, I'm just listening to music thinking about life, love, etc. I...

Good child. I've begun to really resent my position as the "favorite" of my aunt's nephews and nieces. She has no kids, and my mom isn't really in the picture, so we've become surrogates for each other. It's great, but now things are changing. I hate having to put on this fake act of being an overachieving, well-mannered girl. I want to make mistakes, fall in love, etc. But I can't. Anything I do could be used against me and she'll label me as another "disappointment." What's worse is that some of my cousins and siblings have begun to turn against me because of it. I haven't talked to my oldest brother in over a year (he used to be her favorite before they got into a big fight), and he hasn't responded to my attempts to get back in touch. My other cousins don't talk to me as much anymore either. I really wish I could just go back to the old days where were all one big family and it didn't matter who was the "golden child."

Good child. I've begun to really resent my position as the "favorite" of my aunt's nephews and niec...

The more I feel loved, the more I hate myself I realize all my coworkers love me more than my own family. My boss tells me all the time that I work too hard knowing that I barely eat or sleep. Usually I work straight through my breaks. Lately he's forced me to actually take a break. A few times he's made me food or bought some for me and told me to eat it. Also I've run into him at the gym and he's seen me running my heart out. Any time this happens he always comes over and tells me to calm down and relax a bit because I don't need to be doing all this. Of course I turn the treadmill back on as soon as he walks away. It's just so weird hearing this vs. my parents who always call me fat and lazy. Then there's this guy there I work with who does the same. Any time a guest is rude to me he'll always defend me. For example one day my mom was there and called me fat. He didn't know it was my mom at the time (they hadn't met yet) and he put his hand on my stomach and said "Excuse me, ma'am, were you talking to her or the baby?". He knows about my family situation and I can tell him anything. Every time we work together he says he'll drive me home. Even last night when I was there just to see a manager who works once a month he tried convincing me to stay another four hours saying that I'd be better off there anyway and it's be more time away from my family. well, Listen lady..There is no replacement of Parents in this world. IT is totally normal for parents to call their kids whatever they like..after all they are your parents.. so whats the problem with that.. if they ay you fat & lazy ..so what ? why can't you see love behind those words ? every other man who care for you or love you ..doesn't ncessarily means he is a true honest guy. most of them just wants your compnay..may be for s** or lesser something.. You can never compare Parents love with anyother's .. they don't need in thing back from you in return. I just feel so guilty that I'm begining to love them more than my real family. Plus I also feel like I don't deserve them at all. think about it.! stupidI hate it. I'm female, and one of my good friends is also female. We're close. We decided to start dating, then broke it off. There's a pair like us in my year, both girls, both dated and both broke it off. My good friend is a wreck, and she knows it. She has a boyfriend, still has feelings for me, is in love with her hated ex, and kissed one of the girls in my year. That girl-in-my-year's ex/friend yelled at the girl-in-my-year. I feel like doing that, too.Lindsay I want to eat Lindsay too, Same here. With Lindsey Lohan, I'd even take your sloppy seconds. Or thirds, or wherever we are in the count now. Damn, she is sooooooo fine!!!!ROTTEN, baby!!

The more I feel loved, the more I hate myself I realize all my coworkers love me more than my own f...