I am depressed :-(

suddenly everything I ever wanted has passed me by... why did you have to be a heart breaker , and you were never what I wanted you to be,... that is my song, but for a church like a touch of love ministries to do all this lies at me saying for me to be fertile and get married to a nice young man, I thought fine, young ok-- 32-40 but not 12-14 is completely upsetting and offensive, here was my heart getting so excited at the idea of finding a love at last and having a baby. I can't afford a surrogate to have my babies. I am sick of this and I am sick of ricky martin and his brother that chef wanker manu abusing me, I don't want to know them now. I don't want to know all the people who let me down, I had to see people getting married having babies and getting sex and looking great, and all I got was raped by a fat loser and I don't even know what it feels like to orgasm with a mans dick in me let alone giving birth, its supposed to be a gift from god this incredible thing that a womans body can do give birth to another human being. there is some thing sick and evil about this society that abuses someone like me like this. sorry but I never loved russell I never loved wayne, I never liked or loved ken, I never loved frank I never loved allan, I never loved peter who was older then he was making out- no 2 ways about that, he was a bald fat loud opinionated slob like all the others, wrinkled man who looked 40 pretending to be 20something.

suddenly everything I ever wanted has passed me by... why did you have to be a heart breaker , and y...

how can a reasonably thin teenager attract so many fat yobo old boring slobs? and losers? old alex of 70, some loser south american of 80 some violent pig like ron, was I that bad looking or that poorly behaved ? cuz I just won't except I was that ugly at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21,22 , 23- even up to 37 before I started gaining weight again from these medications and illnesses. I just won't accpet I was this ugly ugly ugly red haired teen that everyone wanted me to believe! you all have to answer and be punsihed and to your penance over that! my cats are all who care about me and being on a disability pension only is not even enought to look after them properly with vet bills and insurance and I can't afford all these surgeons and doctors for back and this and that. every week theres something.and this little wanker in some business chain called me a shit magnet one day - what woman wants to be spoken to like that.

how can a reasonably thin teenager attract so many fat yobo old boring slobs? and losers? old alex o...

I can't explain why my father was rejected from so many jobs from 1986 onwards and then the same thing happened to me I was just ignored from getting austudy for a few years even when the govt should have told my parents they could get that govt funding and then its happened in other things being denied access to health care and education in a timely reasonable fashion unlike my older sister and brother, being denied friendships and a husband and wondering why I am not good enough. I never ever felt like I was not enough for a man consciously till I met joyce who told me that was how I felt. I felt like "how can I make a guys like me and am I pretty enough? and a lot of avoidance of love and romance or just being turned off after 15 years of molestation by a dirty smelly old drunk since the age of 4 or 5. and I did feel good enough deep down, but I did wonder why I was being ignored and rejected much the same with work and courses because I would have done a lot of things but constantly in my teens and early twenties my older sister rose and my father were like "we are the important ones in this family" then it was like my younger brother was like "I am the mr bigtime of this family who deserves it all young" and he was just ruthlessly evil and misogimistic and just selfish and vulgar and he was very spoilt as the only boy. he never knew real hardship like I did. my sisters relationships with all her boyfriends were just a push you out of the way type of thing and her several husbands she is violent with hitting them with brooms and rose is like a violent sister I have tried to do so much to win her approval yet can not, all the make overs I would put on her for parties and night clubbing and making her feel good, then I just stopped doing it because she was not returning the favor. deep down I wondered as time went on why I was not getting the jobs or boyfriends when I was just as worthwhile as my sister or any relative or the next person, and she has married these filipenas man and it has made me feel like I as a white woman am not good enough to see myself in my minds eye with a white man who is educated classy and all that I have wanted in a man and I don't and have never wanted a black husband ever. I resent the way my sister has made me feel cuz she has had so many husbands and boyfriends and she is a selfish person , she was a awful mother and i don't understand why she became so controlling about who I was allowed to date and who not when she was married herself and my love life should not have mattered to her like that. its like she doesn't want me to be loved or have a husband I love and seems to want me to be inlove with her only helping her its kind of sick and I don't want that. I have wanted a husband and I did wonder why white young men were rejecting me when I was at law school and university an working I did wonder and it made me want to improve myself more in everyway til I just could not longer hold the ceiling up with out breaking down. and no one ever noticed when it was me. and i am sick of getting flowers from women just because I found there bank card in the park and called the bank to return it or flowers from slobs yet no nice men ever buy me flowers or ask me out to dinner or buy me jewerly and yet my sisters husbands have for her. and I think well, when will it be my turn, when will i be good enough for god sake?

I can't explain why my father was rejected from so many jobs from 1986 onwards and then the same thi...