i hate my life

i have decided that i honestly don't like being alive.  ever since i was young i have thought about death, and how easy it seems.  but i dont want to kill myself.  either im too scared, or i just wouldnt find any pleasure in it.  i have given up on my friends.  my life is just becoming a smear, because i take no joy in it now.  i have abandoned those who i need and those who need me.  because i am a selfish prick.