I am depressed :-(

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a heart attack at my scream high pitched "shut up" or "die die die" or "fuck off fuck off FUck off" and I get so agro around my period, if you think its hard for you how much harder do you think it is for me living in this pain? my cancer specialist said that the vaginal skin can take up to a year to heal its been hell but not near as hell as my ear and head, and over exposure to xrays on my brain. most days I just worry about getting through the day if I will live it out to be honest, and avoid issues with my brain or heart because it terrifies me to the point I drove doctors mad, I know that. no amount of tests would make me believe nothing was wrong ever since my friend died it impacted me so deeply for some reason I can't explain. she was a middle aged woman with kids and young husband I sometimes wish she had not have put it all on me, its like the suicide stuff and cancer and then just become obessed to want to avoid it, you avoid life to avoid death, and that sounds stupid. I know I have a slight form of pyschosis, but I won't tell my psychiatrist that >LOL, he can work it out for himself he has more knowledge on the brain and body then me. so I just get into volitile and irritable moods and server depression moments and I put on a fake jolly act as well for my parents, and I learnt to bounce around hospital beds during heart problems to get the dam hell out of their and then I would want to go back. sometimes I just want to feel safe and loved. all I get is fucking women hugging me and its annoying. I want a mans attentions and affections. like it just upsets me that people can't see that I have feelings. when I was not sleeping for about 5 weeks straight I just knew I needed that doctors help. we all have breaking points and I was so scared I was going to die and even he said that to me afterwards. I just want to move on and find the love I have missed out on. the longer I wait the more volitile I become. the screaming and fear of will I die, will I make it through the day, avoid this symptom or that. cope for everyone or you will look a coward and weak and as a woman is any woman allowed to be those things unless your pretty? no !

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a he...

I no know that my father must have an amazing degree of self control giving the shit he has gone through, but I have days I am in terror that I lose the plot like friday and told the college to go die and rang the therapist a few times and screaming to them that "someone is trying to kill me and drive me mad I can't take it anymore" and she was like making me stop and breath and then the police came to see me this morning and they don't even frighten me anymore. the young big guys are still the more caring and cuter too.

I no know that my father must have an amazing degree of self control giving the shit he has gone thr...

I think god is a bitch, even if he is a man he is still a bitcH! and I often think before long cnt I am gonna have a serious talk to you god and tell you to clean up your act when it comes to me, and a "listen here buster..." talk to god because he is a super mongrel bitch!

I think god is a bitch, even if he is a man he is still a bitcH! and I often think before long cnt I...