I just realised I don't hate myself its really others I hate.

I always thought I would marry a professional or academic teacher but it just seems that I am the one always ignored as if I am so low IQ since I was a child the "spastic" and "retard" labels were something I learnt to live with at school and just by how relatives treated me, the kids at school were mean and would just say the words but the relatives were more passive however the message came across loud what they thought of me. I think most of my life its been pretty one sided that I have always made the mistake of speaking well mostly of others, even down to joyce her daughter called her a slut and whore and I said "oh no you are not like that" but I was wrong, I learnt to laugh at most of the negative labels but there were and are still times it hurts and as I have got on more and life not in a situation I wanted, like I wanted to be married and with children back 20-15 years ago I feel "gee people really must see me as so spastic - like as if she could marry or expect this or that?" she must be a real spaz etc I am sure they think it about me more and more now, I don't understand why people are suck assholes to kind people like me. I just think I should more of a mean bitch to people but it does not come easy to me or my conscience to be nasty rude deliberately hurtful or vendictive or even provocative, I think I should have been I might have been respected more by other women and men. I think I was too shy, too easy going and too conforming for others abuses but I never knew that it was ok to be rude and mean and deliberately evil. I should have really stabbed the knife in to a lot of people and regret not doing it now. the worst part of having a too well exercised conscience !

I always thought I would marry a professional or academic teacher but it just seems that I am the on...

I actually want to travel to find a man from overseas to marry cuz all of them here are a complete bloody useless waste of space deadpan wankers poofters, I am against gay marriage and I don't apologise for it, god didn't intent it and wait til wounded men want gay divorces and accuse men of rape and battery and forcing them into marriage etc. I am against gay marriage because it just makes it harder for women like me to find a husband. I mean you would swear I was the most vial woman in this town and I think I would be one of the more sexually moral and shy and modest women, I got up to a little silly things but I mean I really truely resent the way men have treated me here. I resent being ignored as a teen the way I was when young men SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASKING ME OUT BETTER MEN THAN WHAT WAS PUT ON DISPLAY FOR ME IN MY TEENS. i resent the way the churches have been towards me and a lot of people. I don't support gay marriage at all. I live at home because I have no husband, no man will get off his hole to know me, and the losers I have really liked who have don't put in enough effort, the losers I hated dragged me down to hell and it was hard to get rid of them to say "just fuck off" the better guys ignored me, I expected a man to buy me jewellery and take me out often. no man so far has lived up to my expectations, only a few have gone close and they seem to be ones that I never get sexual with, others I am glad I never got sexual with and one germ user nutcase ken I regret completely getting sexual with. while the men I like other people ruin it for me. I don't want to be around stupid people anymore. I know it might sound awful but I don't want to be around disability spastic abusive people anymore. I know even before I was in the car accident people seen me as spastic and more so after the car accident I was seen as a pathetic thing!

I actually want to travel to find a man from overseas to marry cuz all of them here are a complete b...

what has annoyed me the most is most of my sisters hangers on friends ended my friends and I wanted my own friends who cared about me and only me, not her, most of the men I went out with she chose for me I didn't like and she didn't like and they were her husband's male friends and I wanted to meet men and have my own male friends and female friends. all of them always end up abusing and hurting me and my sister loves that because that way she thinks she is the loved one if she has more filipeno friends. soon I am considering ringing joyce poorter up and abusing the shit out of her to stop her from her games I swear I will pay someone to kick her head in and kill her if she doesn't stop her crap. she should have more to do with her spastic dogfaced like then butt into my personal life ruining my life my health my career and my love life which is none of her dogfaced business. if I ever get married I won't never invite her whereas their would have been a time she would have been a choice as a brides maid or matron of honor like a few other people now I really don't know who I would have as all the female friends around me have abused me so much I just don't forgive them, even if they think I do forgive I don't, its only to cut them down later if I do. but I just wipe people and never really welcome them back now. I don't see the point of a friendship with anna and emma and none of the choirs, I sent a few emails to those bitches just to let them know how much they hurt and abused me. they are all crazy. I want nothing to do with ken and rick and russel and frank, they mean nothing to me what so ever. I have no need for those sort of men in my life at all.

what has annoyed me the most is most of my sisters hangers on friends ended my friends and I wanted ...