I am so depressed its not funny. I have to hide it for work and family.

I can't say I was ever jealous of a man for manly attributes they had, I never felt the need to femininely compete with men apart from a few annoying dirty mentally ill poofters who think they can be more woman then a woman???? and they are a lot cattier and violent as well gay men. the odd one is not. but I have come across a lot of men jealous of me for no aparrent reason because I am not that clever or rich, I am not muscel strong, but I do think like a cop, I question everyones motives and actions and words. I never started questioning myself much til as a teen being bullied and then meeting joyce she had me that way I was literally questioning every aspect of my personality and response machanism, the only time I was a bit put out by a guy I had lunch with a few times because it appeared to me frank had never known failure or disappointment and set backs or financial struggle. when there were others getting constant kicks doing courses and getting no where and he just waltzed his way into things with his "little franky" tag on his face. and he didn't know what he wanted. I was angry at that dirty college my parents knew but then maybe that is why I didn't get my diploma because they met my weirdo parents who people think are spastic like they think we are all spastic. I don't care anyway, I hope frank did find some whore at work, just because you work does not mean your not a complete fucking idiot and nutter psycho! or even sane. most of my friends and family didn't have to live the joycey poorter syndrome to have improved lives and boyfriends. a relationship is just that its not an excuse ticket out of bordem or abuse. I gave up on frank because he was a bully. he confused me writing letters of romance and pushed me away when he hugged. so I just gave up. I didn't love him and I didn't love rick or ken. I don't think I have ever really experienced what in love is like true love. because I am too practical and logical too reasonable. I never liked what ken did it was as gross as ron and bill and alex and I really don't want to go out with men if they don't like me. the way i see it you have a few choices in love- you marry down or you expect them to be always perfect to make you feel better about your own lacking qualities. but you have to make a decision of heaps of factors before you chose how low your willing to go. I can say I would never go out with a yobo boofhead who likes football and alcohol and smoking and bikes and acting brawling stupid drunk and on drugs. I can't stand jeckle and hyde men or women. if you marry up you like to be at your best or aim later when your married to be a better version of yourself but few people achieve this ever. they only marry for sex and lust and the shittery of the spectacular event of a wedding and euphoria of baby 1 and 2 and after that they wished they had never done it- that is waht my mum says and she is right.

I can't say I was ever jealous of a man for manly attributes they had, I never felt the need to femi...

to me I would like a guy to pay for my ticket to see the ballet or opera or a nice dinner and go for a nice evening drive rather then go to loud concerts, its only money as a student and disability single pension I can't really afford ballet and oprah tickets and I think that is a big shame because there is a lot of people like me who would go to church and go to orchestras or as a drama student we went to a few live stage plays and even at school we seen the La biot theatre do shakespear. I am bored with pop music wankers. I like it now and then but I really like when my mum talks about how her and friends would get dressed up in the 1950s with gloves and hats to go to the matinees and operas and my mother and father have a huge ancient classical and opera vinyl collection - like I mean these are the really old hard vinyl of the 1920s even. I am the wort of person who wants the finer things in life now. I like the ice-skating and gymnastics and diving and long jump and swimming and I would sooner go to a ballet or opera or live stage play these days, and long holidays , I mean when I go on this cruise we are going for about 1 month, I would like to do a world cruise to be honest. I would prefer to listen to old radio serials and audio books then half the rubbish at the movies these days. I go to kids flicks because the adult stuff is shit and depressing and violent. I don't watch tv, I study most mornings between 5am-12 I exercise a bit and I study sometimes again from 1 til 6 and again from 7 pm -12pm I am set in my ways a bit now. I love cabaret and I really wanted to go to that moulin rouge stage performance for my birthday but I couldn't afford it.

to me I would like a guy to pay for my ticket to see the ballet or opera or a nice dinner and go for...

I have not seen a live band or concert in over 15 years. just don't have the money on the unemployement or pension to do those things and I don't watch many movies at home or tv they don't interest me, I only watch occasional old films or new ones and go to the cinema about 4 or 5 the last 5 years. you can't do much when all your dreams have been stolen from you. so you stop looking. you stop dreaming, you stop wondering about having a hope of improvement because ...

I have not seen a live band or concert in over 15 years. just don't have the money on the unemployem...