i think its a long time since you been a single mother ! you are so old.

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a heart attack at my scream high pitched "shut up" or "die die die" or "fuck off fuck off FUck off" and I get so agro around my period, if you think its hard for you how much harder do you think it is for me living in this pain? my cancer specialist said that the vaginal skin can take up to a year to heal its been hell but not near as hell as my ear and head, and over exposure to xrays on my brain. most days I just worry about getting through the day if I will live it out to be honest, and avoid issues with my brain or heart because it terrifies me to the point I drove doctors mad, I know that. no amount of tests would make me believe nothing was wrong ever since my friend died it impacted me so deeply for some reason I can't explain. she was a middle aged woman with kids and young husband I sometimes wish she had not have put it all on me, its like the suicide stuff and cancer and then just become obessed to want to avoid it, you avoid life to avoid death, and that sounds stupid. I know I have a slight form of pyschosis, but I won't tell my psychiatrist that >LOL, he can work it out for himself he has more knowledge on the brain and body then me. so I just get into volitile and irritable moods and server depression moments and I put on a fake jolly act as well for my parents, and I learnt to bounce around hospital beds during heart problems to get the dam hell out of their and then I would want to go back. sometimes I just want to feel safe and loved. all I get is fucking women hugging me and its annoying. I want a mans attentions and affections. like it just upsets me that people can't see that I have feelings. when I was not sleeping for about 5 weeks straight I just knew I needed that doctors help. we all have breaking points and I was so scared I was going to die and even he said that to me afterwards. I just want to move on and find the love I have missed out on. the longer I wait the more volitile I become. the screaming and fear of will I die, will I make it through the day, avoid this symptom or that. cope for everyone or you will look a coward and weak and as a woman is any woman allowed to be those things unless your pretty? no !

yeh friday was such a sht day right, I was screaming at the cat and everyone my father near had a he...

so I have fucked off another surgeon I think I he is a good doctor and surgeon obviously done more study then I could be bothered doing but just upsetting me, so i feel upset because I need to rely on my doctors to be responsible and sensitive to my needs and feelings and health, its a brain thing .... you feel the sinuses (blood veins etc) in your brain going crazy its scary! one day I might even cry about it all the fear I was living in and I hugged this girl who had to have brain surgery she just reminded me of me I could see the fear in her face and I dont think I could cope with brain surgery too quickly if ever, like heart surgery - the aim is to avoid it because prevention is better then the cure.

so I have fucked off another surgeon I think I he is a good doctor and surgeon obviously done more s...

I know I had a stroke on my birthday in 2014 and I had a lot of trouble speaking and breathing the choking fits were driving my mother insane, I was crawlling on the floor choked up and I was patting the woollen blanket over the footstool seriously believing it was my cat, I was so out of it. and I woke to this blackout thing I call it its like suddenly you forget how to breath and I was gagging and I had to hit my mother to wake her and I trying to scream "I can't breath" and I was choking and sluring bombed out and its like I would not give into sleep in fear of dying in my sleep, i felt like I was going into a coma it was scary. I just have vague flashes of the lady on the emergency trying to keep me talking and awake til the ambulance got to the door and it was so awful. I just don't ever want to feel that ever again. it was hell.

I know I had a stroke on my birthday in 2014 and I had a lot of trouble speaking and breathing the c...