I am hurting and need to attack someone and I just want to hurt as many people as I can.

when the bayside family christain church said to me I had to do penance for my part in being abused as a child and this was said by a maori women (assuming one who sees herself as some authority on the matter or vested church disciple of soul authority as some black elder) I figured if they want to play niggar games with me and act as my elders they will be duely told that they are not and I am white and not maori however if so be it that one must do penance and pay their dues to the world and god and all asunder I should think I have done so long ago and might suggest that those niggars look in their own back yard first and stop making false claims about my grandfather as a meal ticket at my expense. its not up to them when I am allowed to marry and have the things I want - otherwise it may have to go to some referendum publicly or something for everyones opinion on the matter!

when the bayside family christain church said to me I had to do penance for my part in being abused...

I am wondering if I make stupid decisions over and over again when it comes to money and life choices that I think will be helpful and I read the advice labels etc and panic and I think later why am I constantly making what seems like good or sound caution and safe decisions most of the time but for a few which I do think were done completely irrationally in a state of shock, fear and phobia, why does most of my more seemingly logical cautious decisions end up looking stupid later, like I thought I was doing the right thing going to therapy when the issues arouse as a teen and at university and now realise I should have just projected my problems on to others unconsciously and bashed girls to get men and got drunk and gone out to night clubs more not been so cautious, and all the pharmacy and legal and business and allied health certificates etc just been a waste of time like university was. its strange that not many man valued what I value and they didn't think "well she is worth dating" I am confused!

I am wondering if I make stupid decisions over and over again when it comes to money and life choice...

over the last 24 hours I have had 2 major heartbeat arrhythmias making me cough I can tell cuz it feels like a literal goulp sensation in the blood in the heart I get worried when I get these now, back years ago I used love them and just laugh but now they frighten me more. and for the last 48 hours I have had chronic pain which started the other day I literally pulled a muscule in my arm and the spasms caused a complete cramping all over my chest, diaphram and GI tract and I have had pain swallowing since, I go through this worst now then years ago I was told I have throat damage from having whooping cough as a baby but I noticed it worse after the vaccinations I had 3 years ago during my pnemonia and middle ear infection and serretonian to the point I was calling the ambulance a lot cuz i was having so much trouble swallowing, now I get like spams cramps I have to take medications for. I am just praying these crampy spasms ease up or I will have to see my doctor earlier, I have been putting off blood tests due to my phobia to blood tests needles and all the pain and trouble I go through with collapsing veins and I can't stand the vacuum needles at all.

over the last 24 hours I have had 2 major heartbeat arrhythmias making me cough I can tell cuz it fe...