I really feel I had to write to you kristine about this one. I was always yoyo weight and got to a size 14-16 when I was at university and my life was falling down around me and I had tried jenny craig and could not stand the food, I carried the weight for a while and all the men were ignoring me for my older sister who always got men easily. she has been married 3 times while I am 45 never been married. I don't know when the first time I felt "this is why I am fat" but when I was about 8 my dad said to me when my older sister was putting on a tantrum- "give her what she wants to shut her up" and this became a pattern all our lives. now this girl has not been happy til I am slammed and killed into the ground she hates me so much and has been saying that to me for the last 11 or more years after each marriage and new "fuck victory" she find (pardon the french but that is all it is to her)... I think I as the middle child was shy and been sexually abused by an old drunk man who lived near by made me feel worthless that day when my dad said that to me - that I had to keep giving this older sister, this girl who never grew up what she wanted while I felt helpless defeated and a fatty joke. I did so much for her- look after her baby, prop her up for each husband, put make up on her for parties and nighclubbing while literally no one noticed I had a need or feeling. no one cared what the hell I did how hurt and lonely I was, so long as this other girl was smiling and happy and getting people to love her and getting them to hate me. i couldn't do enough to try to win her love. even last when I lost weight I felt bad and went to a size 6 from 16 I stayed away from her, then I started gaining the weight the more I was rejected by men and the more she was getting married and her man I was not allowed to meet, last year I exercised every night sometimes for 3 hours a day and I take antidepresants that doctors say don't make you gain weight I don't agree, I don't over indulge a lot only sometimes when I get into cake as a treat once a month or a few cheese and crackers, instead of fruit. but last year when I got dress up with my mum to go to a high tea my mum sent my sister a photo of us together and my sister proudly said when I came home "I sent it to my husband allan in the Filipponines and he said you are a ugly fat cow" I started watching porn films of women mooing in cow shit and thinking I was a cow. I met a woman who said to me i had to bark like a dog before any many would love me. and I started barking like a dog in my room on the bed. like I had to live it out at some level. as a child I even cut my genitals because I blamed that part of my body for that dirty old man touching me there. recently I had to have byopsies done in the vaginal area from a vaginal itch and after rape I had a stroke and feared stds so much but nothing ever showed in pathology results. I have put on weight and now a size 18-20 this year from last years size 16 and yeh I made a pact to lose weight but I feel I need motivation and help more then ever, since I was in and out of hospital and I had several re-occuring middle ear infections since a car accident I am truey greatful to be alive and I watch a lot of videos from loeylane and other girls about positive body love, but I get no real help at church or from friends or family. I asked my mum "why does my older sister need to say all these hurtful things to me and abuse me and would someone please have the balls to ask this girl- when are you going to allow your sister to marry and feel like a lady? and have a baby? "mum, how broken do I have to be to make this girl feel good about herself, keep giving her what she wants, all the men wanting her over me, her having the babies and weddings every other year? when will someone stand up to this girl and say "enough is enough" I want to tell her that myself but she just screams at me. it needs to come from someone she least would suspects n admires n male. so when am I going to stop allowing my sister to keep me fat? is my question maybe? That is SO wrong of her. You are not worthless, you are not a cow, a dog, a pig, anything like that. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would love to stand up to her for you to be honest. Would you be open to a 3 way zoom call where you can confront her with a third party? how much more broken do I have to be for you to be a happy loved women rose, joyce, katy robo-dog and kelly etc?