I am depressed :-(

i don't have the money to join dating websites, I don't even know how couples meet anymore, it doesn't appear to be at university or college, or parties or events or shops or bus stops or church. I have no idea where the real men are anymore. I only rarely meet quality men thanks to russo and joyce. Its not like I can ask my local pharmacist or complete stranger on a date and I don't visit night clubs a lot its not my scene unless with friends or people I can trust. so I am thinking a cruise might be where I will find some nice passenger or while I am out from flight and taking a stay with my parents in russia or finland or somewhere I might find mr perfect. I so want to see the russian areas. I wish I had to work to do it so I had an excuse and a paid trip too, I am never going to find a real man here that is for sure this is the most awfulest place in the world and the men are a disgrace. I'll have to just hope I do find someone overseas with the right looks and right personality rather then all the idiots that are around. and by god are there too many idiots around now. men are more stupid then ever. for people who are supposed to be clever and strong and the protectors and romancers this lot around here and all the ones I have met are pathetic!

i don't have the money to join dating websites, I don't even know how couples meet anymore, it doesn...

most days all I have for breakfast is either oat bran flakes and raspberries or I have oats and berries or a chai seed and cacao oats and some shredded coconut or just oats and grated apple without any sugar or egg on toast or vegimite on toast or jam on toast and a cup of tea and I will usually try to drink at least 2x750ml bottles of plain water after eating and maybe 1 cup of small teaspoon of coffee and then just keep filling up on water all day and lunch sometimes I have tuna or tin salmon and yogurt cucumber lemon sandwich or some horseradish with cucumbers or fish with just 1 slice of bran or grain bread, or a salad with tuna or cous-cous basil and cherry tomatoes, or baked beans on toast with chili flakes, or sardines on toast. the other night we had mushrooms in butter and I don't eat a lot of butter I like a little or cottage cheese or tasty cheese and crackers and cucumbers in dill, or we will have things like a apple and mint smoothie, or watermelon and mint drinks. I drink a lot of water in the afternoon and maybe a few cups of tea and have maybe a small biscut or black strap molases and saos or my lastest thing is cottage cheese with cayenne pepper on saos to get my blood thinner and it eases headaches and circulates blood better. I love occasionally to a vegimite on sao and then put the tasty cheese thin slices on top and a few splashes of worstershire sauce and garlic or himilayan salt and put in the microwave for about 40seconds it comes out nice and gooey and crisp. or we do a ginger carrot juice or a cellery and cucumber juice with lime and dandelion root and cellery seed tonic. dinner is just usually a mediterainian huge vegi mix of eggplant, zuccini and carrot and baby onions and garlic cloves, sweet potato and capsicum maybe red kale and asparagus or brocoli etc, and chicken breast without skin or a lamb chop and baked apples or chicken paramajana and olives, or we do the vegigetti and chickpea and mince and onions and tomatos, or fish like flat head or snapper etc, and steamed vegitables. we don't eat a lot of desserts but I got some cheap lammingtons the other day for my dad. I like an earl grey tea at night or a camamile and honey tea or french tea. or I just throw a jasmin or vanilla green tea bag or a strawberry herb tea bag in my water bottle to infuse the flavors for the day.

most days all I have for breakfast is either oat bran flakes and raspberries or I have oats and berr...

its weird that I really feel I have had to learn to hate myself as I did as a child all over again to find peace in myself but I am still sexually and romantically unfullfilled and I know I have a lot of love to give a man and long for marriage which is now becoming nothing but an embarrasement and deep hurt now, that in some way I failed to be worthy and captivating enough to engage a mans love or attentions in all the normal ways a woman should expect to, like my sister had her lovely perfect wedding day young, so did my cousin louise who I used to look up to because she was so clever and I was the dumb one I guess, brigette had her lovely wedding day young as did karen my brothers wife and other family members and I am thinking "what the fuck hell was so fucking wrong about me?" why wasn't I good enough at 21? or 24 or 30? why did I have to be this expection and be date raped something I never pictured in the story of myself. it was something I always dreaded and feared being raped because as a child when I was being molested I didn't have that vocabulary at 5 to say "this old man is molesting me or he is a pedophile" I didn't know the words, I just had seen rape scenes on tv shows and soaps and movies and the girl or woman feeling wounded and that was my only way to describe what this old man was doing to me, it felt dirty and wrong, it felt strange and made me want to faint, and yet sexual orgasm was interesting but it all became a hell for me as a 4 or 5 year old I would describe him abusing me often as raping me cuz that was all I knew in words it felt shameful and guilty and shocking and gross. i think that people don't understand that I was sexually assaulted as a child by many people not just 1 person. there were other people, older kids female and male, other old men and being attacked in the throat was painful and that was all because I was copying this abusive man who was doing this to me copying his swearing he was always calling me :a little cunt, and I think it is disgraceful of any man to speak like that to a child a little girl of 4 or 5 is just so upsetting. the dirty things he said to me and the shit he was putting in my head. it was not right and nothing that I have been through has ever been handled right which only makes the problems all the more worse and upsetting. the house fire the alcoholism the killing of live stock and burning off bodies makes me sick. that is shame.

its weird that I really feel I have had to learn to hate myself as I did as a child all over again t...