I am depressed :-(

I don't want ken carey or any royals from uk or germany to contact me ever again. I don't want want to hear from a lot of people from my past because all you did was take and use and abuse and I its so one sided and your bullying and controlling and rude. I want to have room for fun new people in my life from other parts of the world who I have missed out on meeting who will treat me better. I just am like my parents and sister now we don't want to mix with relatives who have hurt us and we don't want to see our brother and his wife and kids and we don't want to know my mums relatives much. we keep to ourselves for the last 15 years and no one invited us much who didn't take us down. so I don't know how else to put it. I just know I am worth better then all that and want to move to better loving people and the new people I am with in my life are all that matter to me right now.

I don't want ken carey or any royals from uk or germany to contact me ever again. I don't want want ...

I want to get pregnant with his baby so he will always be around and I won't have to try and be close to another guy. I can't be bothered trying to trust another guy enough to even feel like this. It takes too much effort.

I want to get pregnant with his baby so he will always be around and I won't have to try and be clos...

My cheating started 3 decades ago, My husband had a prior wife, she was called the US Navy, and she dug her hooks in him for the first three and a half years of our marriage, He was never home, In fact he never saw the first apartment we had. My First long term lover did but he also had a wife called the air force, She forced him to leave after 8 months. Right after he left the first stages of Bi Polar Mania set in, I was sent back to my mother after a stint in a mental hospital, I got everything with help from the ombudsnman to get everything into storage, I gave her the key and went home. Six months later I was contacted by a Navy retention officer, He asked that when I saw my husband that I talk to him about reenlisting, He will get a nice signing bonus and after another year at sea we will make him either a basic electronics instructor at Memphis, or great lakes, I asked him when was I going to see my husband, I said I am sure you have his duty right in front of you, He told me he could arrange a five day liberty because his boat was being demagnetized 30 miles away, I asjked to talk to his XO, He called the next day, I asked why I was not told my husband was going to be so close by, his answer was we haven't told him you were in the hospital and had moved home, we don't need him to have that kind of distraction, I told him what his retention officer offered, It made him a little mad, he said we are authorizing no liberty for any weapons techs. I said then you are going to have to retain him yourself because I wont. My husband did get a rare letter to me, He thought I was still down south because it came forwarded from my last address and very heavy on the censor, over half was blacked, He knew he was not going to be allowed any leave or r and r this close to discharge, he also knew they were going to get an involuntary duty extention for six months. By the time I got this letter he was at sea on another boat, When he returned to his first command they were in refit for the last two weeks, He was not going to sign reup paper but had been notified he was being extended, he was at a very low point already, and had a new division chief, My husband was placed on ships miaitenace called tiger team, nuclear weapons security, and his new chief wanted as much time with his wife as possible that week, So my husband stood his watch and his chiefs. After 106 hours of straight duty he collapse, The base shrink after he woke up said he should not even go out on this patrol because of a condition known as exhaustion parinoia. After my husband discharged 106 days later, he arranged for every thing to be sent back to his place of employment, my mother sent me there 3 months before as soon as we knew the navy was not going to extend him. I was living with his parents, he had a good job waiting with a major auto manufacture and was UAW. he was coming back with 8 years accrued time. This caused his father and many of his friends a lot of worry, most had sons and daughters that worked in the same plant, most of them worked there, I had not mention my husband had a brother on his crew as a raidioman. He got regular leave and R and R and felt hisbrother had been unfairly treated but he had been ordered to not discuss any thing heknew about me or any family concerns because the command felt after the first year that my husband would not cause a problem if he felt no news is good news that was the best. Four days befor husband arrived his father and mother sat me down at the table for a talk about what was going to happen when his son came home. His brother already called, as well as the Navy Debrief officer. Both said my husband was ill, he suffered terrible headaches was jumpy and very irritable, his brother told us about two things that happened when he was kept awake so long the last refit, One was after my husband Finished the parts inventory for repairs he ordered tools and parts needed before return to sea several had not arrived and need to be flown in but he needed his chief s signature as well as the XO and CO, He caught up to his chief out side his quarters getting ready to go ashore and be with his wife, my husband told him what was needed and my husband had bee awake for 96hours at the time, His chief said OFW my husband hit him so hard he did a backflip in the passage, My husband was planning to tak a few weeks between his return to get everything set up and just spend time with me. His father insisted this was a bad idea, If he started out getting his way when he got home he would keep taking the things he wanted without regaurd for anyone else causing problems, then he said we will have to have a thing he wants more as a reward waiting for him, that is where I came in, He said he will want to be a man that has any thing any one else has, He said just because others have things does not give the same right to my son. with the illness he has he will take what he wants shifts jobs, vacation slots, and refuse holiday work forcing mothers and fathers with children to work, A real man looks to his community before himself, but my son wants to take an axe to it, Even if there is a person of prominace here he would tell him to take a flying leap into anything he chose and not do as asked. His father said we had to make sure that my husband was under control. I thought he knew what was best for me and my husband, He told me just watch within two days he will come back and cause trouble, and asked me to keep out of sight, I did as requested, my husband went to work the first day he was back. He worked 12 hours a day that first week we found an apartment the third day, He should have been greeted the Morning he got home by his wife but was relegated to a sofa. His father was right within two days he had put a bump in to days, The woman being bumped was the daughter of a supervisor in the plant and a single mother. She had no idea where her ex husband went. She cried on my fathers shoulder about how bad she needed day shift, how unfair it was for my husband to use his accrued time to take her job. She lived right behind his father, He turned to me and said I told you. The next morning before we went to pick the keys to our apartment up there was a horrible argument about just shutting up, being a man, showing responsibility to others, don't be such a selfish jerk. My husband said I come back home after being gone for over three years with no leave, you tell me the next morning to just let my wife get used to me being back so just go get everything settled at HR, They jut put me straight to work, I was not even out of uniform yet. You know how much I have always hated 2nd shift, She knows hat she is supposed to be subject to the same rules of senority as I am. So what is the big deal. His father turned to me, I informed my husband that there was not going to be any marital relations until he proved he would not cause trouble, I did not know anything about how a union operated. Did not know his father was manipulating things for friends. Being bi polar one thing is hard to do without, sex, But denying my husband left me without to. His father set me up with a friends son, said just because my son has to be a man does not mean you have to do without. I had more than several affairs In 2001. I saw how dangerous my husband was. Everybody was saying how nice things were until july 31 2001. A month before 9/11. My husband was very ill for some time, His father did not have to be loud except for a few seconds, before my husband agreed because he had a headache that never seemed to go away, his left foot dragged he had trouble maintaining balance eve had stopped begging me for sex several years before, Seemed he just wanted sleep after his 12 hour shift. I thought we had finally got him to the point where no one would be bothered. I was going to dress in something nice and get him what he wanted, on labor day, He had not had a day off since 1978 I found out except for the four days between the navy and here. But that day he went out of the house, every thing hurt on him, it looked like rivers running down his face, I had never seen him cry. I told his father this had to stop, he disagreed, he said he would just go back to what he called the bad old days of a belligerent son. But that evening we got a call from ER saying they were tranfering my husband to a neuro surgical unit 60 miles to the south, They took a cyst off the top of his brain stem that had blocked the fluid off in his scull causing brain swelling It was not tears I saw, but cerebral spinal fluid being forced out around his eyes. His father said just a faker wanting out of his responsibilties, Husband was back at work four days latter. Something in his personality had changed, he watched everything, he slept a lot for recovery I think, To retrieve the cyst they drilled a hole in his scull over his right eye and through the brain, 9/11 happened and he told every body who did it within a few seconds, Made his father mad, said where is your proof, My husband said its on the news, He was right. A month latter the company posted new jobs at a new plant, My husband and one other signed for a job, The other was the son of a county commissioner, the union let the much younger man have the job because of political consideration, My husband went to the National union and had the locals decision reversed, He took the job. Made his committeeman and local President mad as well as his father, who was a friend of the commisioner, They showed up at his fathers home, and I was told to be there, they asked if there was any way I could get my husband to take his name down, My husband had already told me to go to hell, I said no. They informed me that some people would talk to my husband the next morning, He Arrived at 4 AM as always, a silver van pulled up and the man that wanted the job and three others came out and surrounded my husband on the porch, My husband woke the whole area Every one was watching. When he was very insulting they jumped him. Four men went to a trauma center. None were my husband. I witnessed a savage and remorseless counter attack. My husband litteraly broke bones, faces, tore arms, at will. His father heard on the scanner there was trouble at our address and arrived expecting to see my husband was humbled, He asked his son why can't you just back down. you put four men in the hospital, My husband said if they had not acted like mafia they would not have ended like that, He said I owe nothing to your friends. And if you don't like my attitude take a flying leap, He blew straight past, I was crying, and I started yelling at him about caring about any one but himself, why did he have to start trouble after all I am your wife. He said if the state would have allowed a divorce when I filed in 87 you would not be, he said I had not been his wife in in 20 years and went to bed, His father came over the next morning and told me I had to regain control, I said I would stay to be the bait but his son would not bite, I no longer had influence. My husband went the next seven years without a holiday or day off, Then he retired after telling the govenor of our state he did not work for the state and if he wanted a load of aluminum moved to another company for remelt then come up and tell him face to face, he would get the paperwork and a trailer hitch shoved up his rear and he could tow it. That brings us to 4 years ago, my husband developed MRSA in his spine He lost most the feeling from his upper leg down, it has created other problems, Like strokes and intestinal bleeds, last year he caught me with an old bf. MY husband hurt him bad, all it took was my BF trying to humiliate my husband. My husband even crippled was without remorse and ended up in a stress center for anger management, Two weeks latter his father had asked me to accompany a friend to a political event, the passes cost 3000.00. I had just finished getting ready when I heard the door open and my husband standing there, He said you look nice and I told the truth, My husband said I hope he has three passes, I called his father, My husband repeated himself, his father told him don't be stupide an said he was coming over with my husbands mother, I said I needed to finish, I thought he would understand. He said I hope he likes stag. I was not going, He said I owed 31 years of his life, I took off running. My dress was turned to confetti and he forced me. I begged I would meet him anywhere after the event, and we would talk, He said I have been talking and working and in pain for 31 years, No more once negotiation ends there has to be action taken, After he finished he got dressed and sat down, I went to put a bathrobe on, The man I was supposed to accompany came to the door. My husband said she wont be going, and he pushed my husband. His mother and father arrived just in time to see the man slam face first into a cement driveway, his mother came in to me, his father took his friend to ER, we did not make the event. My husband was protected under the Castle doctrine, This last weekend was memorial day, I was hosting a cookout at my and my husbands home, My husband paid for the food, it was his equipment. and his house, His father asked him what he was going to do while the cookout was going on, my husband informed him he would be right there. His father said that he had not been at a holiday gathering in 32 years, we had traditions he was not included in. He informed his son he was not invited and he had to leave, this was a few minutes before the guests arrived, my mother in law knew the look on my husbands face and said this is where pigs don't fly. My husband said ok, told his father to get out. Took a new chain and padlock, and was locking the porch, I was trying to reason with him when his mother told his father that it was my husbands right, His father said just because others have rights does not mean his son did, Our next door neighbor was a metro cop and came over asking what was going on, Husbands father explained, and wanted my husband arrested, The officer was laughing and said its his house he has the right, we had the cookout, my husband stayed, his father fumed along with some other guests that did not like my husband, One of the traditions was after the get together was we went out for drinks and dancing, My husband was always at work, I can remember him even being forced to go in to work on a holiday at gun point by his father. Said one day he will understand what it is to be a man. Well when the guy I was supposed to accompany put his arm up my husband stepped up and told him to scram if he wanted to keep his arm, my father in law said are you retarded, you know what you are not invited means, my husband said yes to both and his father slapped my husband earning a backhand in return, It lifted his father off the floor and dumped him. in the kitchen, Every one walked out feeling small and dirty, his mother said she had been trying to tell everyone my husband had no more patience with control, His brother and sister said its about time someone put our father in his place. I am just totally scared what will happen next, I called his councilor who said you and his father spent three decades creating this monster now we might have to live with it but put me in touch with the VA, The got into his records and found he had never been treated for the condition he had when he got out of the navy. They said he is displaying classic symptoms of PTSD he also found the journals I kept and is delighting in ruining the family life of men I had relations with while they were married, He says if I don't like it there is the street put your feet on it and pick a direction.

My cheating started 3 decades ago, My husband had a prior wife, she was called the US Navy, and she ...