I am depressed :-(

everything just feels too heavy to carry. I get overwhelmed and want to throw in accounting and health and everything sometimes I can't cope I am sick of being my own teacher, no social life. I just wish there was a normal world I used to understand years ago when courses where not as dear and were easier with more time and better teachers, I dont understand the world anymore. I am so angry that I don't have access to health and education or social life or finding a partner/husband, I am sick of the gay community ruling this world with their "pityme!" stories when victims of crime go through as much I have been highly traumatised by halloween for years since the letterbox bombings in the street and the burning of signs and drunks in the yard trying to break in and someone actually breaking in the house. sometimes I do want to move from here to a nicer up market place. cuz this place used to be nice but I out grew here a long long time ago. I don't like the evil element that is here now that has been here for the last 15 years maybe I was naive and it was here before that from the time we moved in there were break and enters here all the time I was afraid with good reason too. and that dam over the back where the grape vines are. its creepy! a death zone!

everything just feels too heavy to carry. I get overwhelmed and want to throw in accounting and heal...

I am just considering walking out on my family and just taking a long bus ride and not coming back. I have considered dumping the cats in a bag and drowning them or dumping them at a shelter for enuthainizing because I can't cope their their demands and stress they put on me, they pester for food all the time driving me mad how can a cat be that hungry? they wreck things. I love them deeply but sometimes I want to dump everything this ugly old haunted evil house and neighborhood full of mental people who are violent and crazy evil. dumping all courses cuz I can't concentrate for long anymore and I am hating the loneliness. I should have been getting dates and being invited out while I was unemployed some fucker should have got off their asshole do to something. other whores were getting sprong breeding whoring around like dogs fat ugly slobby losers and yet no one was showing interest in me, where they told not to help me, not to invite me, were they told to ignore me and wreck my courses and why, and who would be that mental to do that blindly and just go around abusing me for fun just because david bowie told them to? who is that low in brainspan ? I mean I am a angry hate filled person i have deep hate inside of me, the hatred has outplaced everything else.

I am just considering walking out on my family and just taking a long bus ride and not coming back. ...

you can't do anything right. you can't live up to anything good, you can't do anything! your stupid at everything. you're hopeless and never gonna be anything. give that to me you can't do that. your wasting my time. you are so lazy. you'll kill yourself you bloody idiot! the food is not good enough, the bed is not right. these clothes look tacky, this course sucks and needs improving and at least 70-88% students agree with me. you take too much milk in your tea, you expect the world to like you and it won't. you live in a fake world of hope and sickly sweet deformity and disability and the real world is hard and cruel and mean and all about money not about sweet shit! get real. grow up. stop complaining.

you can't do anything right. you can't live up to anything good, you can't do anything! your stupid ...