Confessions about 'Bu'

Page 65 of 198

queen bitch!!!! you mongrel queen bitch!!!

Abuse, Hate

i live in hovel and squallor my parents created and getting worse each day in disgusting mess they created.

i live in hovel and squallor my parents created and getting worse each day in disgusting mess they c...

Abuse, Hate

ahhrg , bugger off nigga

Abuse, Hate

nigaa myob nigga myob, nigga wonder why I won't help nigga say I didn't help but I have no baby nigga to blame nigga myob nigar nigaa myob nigga myob, nigga wonder why I won't help nigga say I didn't help but I have no baby nigga to blame nigga myob nigar nigaa myob nigga myob,nigaa myob nigga myob, nigga wonder why I won't help nigga say I didn't help but I have no baby nigga to blame nigga nigga wonder why I won't help nigga say I didn't help but I have no baby nigga to blame nigga myob nigar

nigaa myob nigga myob, nigga wonder why I won't help nigga say I didn't help but I have no baby nigg...

Abuse

i gonna get me money. gee inhuman to be broke all the time! if only others knew thee poverty we been through eating from the floor. the pretence is dragging.

i gonna get me money. gee inhuman to be broke all the time! if only others knew thee poverty we been...

Abuse, Hate

i was told a friend of mine was afraid of being kidnapped now i am wondering what really went on, i am yet to be told.

i was told a friend of mine was afraid of being kidnapped now i am wondering what really went on, i ...

Abuse

I dont know where to start. I know I have been trying my best but my worst always comes out. I wake up everyday feeling like a failure. What did I do to deserve this? I came from a horribly broken family. Got placed under my aunt's wing where she treated me worse than her maid. Their dog has a better childhood than me.I was depressed growing up. I wanted to die. I wanted to slice up my wrist and just let the blood flow out and die. I wanted to run away as far as I can. But, I never did. One night I woke up from my sleep and just couldn't breathe. I thought the devil have come to take my soul. I asked him, yes. I got tossed between my paternal siblings, where to live each time. They didn't want me and yet they stole me under my mom's wing. They took me away while my mom was out of the house. She did not know. They stole me, and yet they dont love me. I never knew what a normal childhood felt like. I grew up in fights at school, playing with sticks, leaves, dirt and stones at the back corner of the house, outside. I hide outside when my Aunt and his family is at home. It didn't felt like I belong. Being alone outside was enough for me. A little peace before my Aunt would dictate my chores throughout the days. My cousins are out playing with friends, playing with video games, watching tv etc. I was scrubbing the canal at the side of the street in front of my Aunt's house. I was wiping the windows, mopping the tiles on the floor, scrubbing the dogs "menstrual" leaks around, pulling weeds aropund the house, picking dead leaves off the plants and ground, wiping every figurine or house decor there is. At the end of the day, I have done half of the maid's job as she sit somewhere doing who knows what. My hands are not baby soft. I was late to school because I do chores before I go. I do chores after I come home. Ive stolen money from them. I watched them give my cousins 20 -50 peso while I have 5 peso. I stole from them. I was jealous. I took 100 peso off their wallets and I have been caught so many times and I have been punished for it. I didn't care. But they never understood me. They never got the message and to them, I'm just a bad child who doesn't know how to learn and be good. My Grandfather sent me money from the US and my dad would keep it. Telling me he'd save it for me. He used it for his cigarettes and beers. All i got was a cake and a soda. I was grateful. I loved my dad despite all these. He was the only thing left in my life who cares. He just loves his cigarettes and beers more. But ill take it, when everyone else is just faking it. I grew up with a broken heart. A sad and heavy heart. I was sad all throughout my life. I was sad how my life became this way. I was sad how it all started. I dont even know why my mom and dad where fighting in the first place. All I know is either my mom cheated with a taxi driver. I have this memory of my mom and me rising this taxi with this driver. And it felt like the longest drive ever. Where were we going? Ive forgotten but I remember they were talking like theve known each other for a while. And my dad, all I know is that he is a drunk. And the cause of their fights are either there's no money or that my mom couldn't wait to go to Hawaii (my grandparents petitioned us). Shortly after, my mom went abroad to work and she left us and never looked back. She never came back for me to save me from my relatives who used me and betrayed me. I was a shy kid. I never could laugh my ass off anywhere because it's seen as too vulgar. I never got to be myself. My dream all my life is to be free from my relatives. And it came true. We arrived in the states and I was away from them. Or so I thought. Things from your past always has a way to come back to you. I get nightmares of my Aunt slapping me, beating me up, pulling my hair and just dragging me across the floor. I remember when she used to do these things to me. I felt destroyed. I couldn't get away from her even when I did physically do. Life in the US was hard to get adjusted to. It was a different culture. I get to live with my dad and grandparents for the first time. It wasn't rainbow and flowers either. We lived in this tiny little room. I slept on the floor next to the dressers, infront of the backdoor next to the computer desk and the dining table. My dad slept on a folding bed outside at the garage next to boxes of who knows what and next to a car. It wasnt fabulous but I'll take this over living with my Aunt any day. I was living with strangers. Again. Never felt close and normal to these people. They felt that and it cause problems. They would argue over me not smiling as much, not being peppy as much, not being friendly as much. Ive been kept well shut off all my life and adjusting to be a normal person isn't that easy. Ive told my grandparents about the mistreatment my Aunt and other relatives have done to me and all they told me is to pray about if and forgive them. It troubled me that they didn't even blinked an eye. If you knew that someone had fault to your family, you come and save them. THEY KNEW. They knew all about the doings of their children and have said nothing. And to this day, I hate them for it. I grew up, worked hard to build myself again. Finished highschoool, and graduated college for Associates. I dont know what to do with my life. My dad wont let me move out until I get married. I can't do anything unless he approves. Im twenty-six years old and Im affraid of my dad. Im scared that if I do go decide to be on my own, and fail. Im scared of failure. I dont know what to do with my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. Im so sad that with me, he wont have a good life. I want to be better, for him and for us in the future. The future of happiness and away from all my problems. Dad: "are you going to do your laundry?" Me: huh? no ill just do it this afternoon. Why? Dad: IM JUST ASKING!!! This conversation started this rant. I dont know why he would just talk like that. It felt like he was disappointed in me or annoyed of me. Dear dad, When you talk to me like that it hurts me. Im not sure if youre annoyed. Sometimes you talk to me nicely and I think that's better. Im always affected by you andit's not heallthy. I would like to be away from you now as much as I love you, I feel like Im destroying my life. I love you. To my boyfriend Christian, You are the best person even when I tell you that youre stupid. Im sorry for always letting you down. It's what I do. I wish I was better. I wish I was better so I could do things for you. I wish I make you happy. Im grateful for you loving me even at my weakest and lowest of lows. Thank you for loving me for the times I told you I dont want you anymore. Thank you for loving me the times I dont love myself. You deserve better and I hope you find the person that can do better than me. I love you. To everyone else who tried to understand me but gave up anyway, Thank you and Im sorry for not saving myself, for not trying hard enough with you. To my bestfriend Gemma, I love you. You were my saving grace all my life. You were my backbone, my shoulder to cry on, my wall to help me stand up. Thank you for being there always even when youre so far away now. Im so sorry for all the things Ive done to you. I love you. To my cousins, Caryl, you betrayed me. You never helped me. Ernest, you never gave me kindness. Cash, you never stood up for me. Patrick, I love you when you were growing up. I hope you have a better future. Precious, I love you. I hope Geo grow up as kind and as loving as you. Thank you for noticing me when they had mistreated me. Im sorry too that you couldn't do anything about it. Ate April, thank you for all your advice. When your mom died, we were all heartbroken too but Im hurt when you just abandoned us and never heard from you again. Ate Kristine, Ive never really felt close to you. Your favorite was Caryl. You never talked to me. To Gloria Romero, I waited for you to free me from my Aunt. You came back 26 years later like nothing happened. You wanted me to thank you that you gave me up to them to have a better life. What is better life to you? Suffering? Being unloved? Id rather have less than to feel unloved. Im sorry, I will find the courage to let go soon but never forgive and forget. I dont want you in my life. To my step mom, To me, you married my dad to come here in US. There were signs to all that. If youre going to let go of him, do it so with respect and dignity and understanding. To the person "AUNT" I cant forgive you. I want you to apologize for all the things you have done to me and then I want to tell you I cant forgive you. Youve acted all these years that what you did was because you loved me but I havent felt the love at all. You mean nothing to me. You are a garbage. To Norma Yoro, Youre not my grandmother and youve never been. You never liked staying with grandpa when he was sick. You always asked us to pay you back because you helped us to come to US. I DIDNT ASK TO BE HERE. I DONT OWE YOU ANYTHING! Youre just as bad as Aunt. To Grandpa, Youre being weak. HELP YOURSELF. Dont demand when you can do it. Im not going to waste my life again, taking care of someone else again. To Tito Jun, Stop controlling other peoples lives. YOU RUIN THEM. To Tito Wilson and Tita Hope, Thanks for the kind eyes but I know you both couldnt do anything while your spouses beat me. To Elizel and Jenny, Thank you and I love you. Thank you for helping me through the times I needed advice. Christian and Gemma, I love you.

I dont know where to start. I know I have been trying my best but my worst always comes out. I wake ...

Abuse

I had liver fluke infection 19 years ago making me tired and sick and the last few years I had medication allergic reaction causing weight gain and organ injuries. I am sick of this shit!

I had liver fluke infection 19 years ago making me tired and sick and the last few years I had medic...

Abuse, Hate

I don't want to have to clean up my parents runny shit off chairs all my life!

Abuse, Hate

wet 2days in a row and just had to go to bed by 5pm with hot bottle warmer and panadol for migraine.

Abuse, Hate

katie likes playing god declaring who needs lessons and lot like joyce who needs kicks up the bum and harsh lessons, who gets what is coming to them, who should suffer more. very much like rick and enjoy playing god but can not face god themselves! hmm.

katie likes playing god declaring who needs lessons and lot like joyce who needs kicks up the bum an...

Abuse, Hate

I am not katie dogs lazy crazy basket that pigdog bitch dog!!!! I took other peoples advice not pigdog katie opinionated bigotbum fakie- hatie-katie!

I am not katie dogs lazy crazy basket that pigdog bitch dog!!!! I took other peoples advice not pigd...

Abuse, Hate

mum said to make it clear to melissa that doing baby baskets is too upsetting to me right now not being allowed to be a mother and have my own baby and mum said don't take her shit, make it clear to her it hurts you as much as you can at her and put her on the spot!!!! mum said its just adding insult to injury and salt to an open wound expecting me to do those things when no one has ever helped me have those things. and make it clear to melissa that it has hurt you.

mum said to make it clear to melissa that doing baby baskets is too upsetting to me right now not be...

Abuse

i block people acting silly dancing and showing off and doing stupid things now. once people start acting over zany fun I block them even on youtube as I don't want to be associated with that personality assumption. once people start being stupid I just up and block them.

i block people acting silly dancing and showing off and doing stupid things now. once people start a...

Abuse, Hate

i don't like the children near me. i don't have tolerance for them. i don't like being around children at all, it upsets me too much. i even hate school kids.

i don't like the children near me. i don't have tolerance for them. i don't like being around childr...

Abuse

I have told mum I don't want her speaking to any of her family to teach them a lesson for abusing me. mum agrees and so does dad, rose never liked them more then me, rose has hate for them all. we won't go to weddings or parties or baby things as a statement of how they abuse me, I told one cousin she did nothing to help what so ever, the whole time never offered to help get work or social support to meet people and it was clearly obvious that with my father without a job we had little social connections all those years and they did nothing, and Its clear I am the ugliest and most unsexy woman that ever existed and we never wanted to be around the men that were pushed at me most were not right for my personality or interests at the time and were too old and boring when I was young and I never wanted to be near ken and couldn't love a fat ugly dog droppings of a dirty rapist that couldn't even get medical treatment to me when any honest person would have. I never loved any of the men because most of them were too slow and would not make the first step and show interest in a timely fashion in a way that suited me, russel and ken assaulted me as did a few other loser deadbeat uglies, frank was a bully and the only half way normal guy i liked at college, the ones I really liked never looked at me and I was afraid to even look at them or they were abusive cuz some spastic told them to abuse me which made me hate them real quick. I can hate so quick and hard as i can like. and once i dislike i am like my mum we don't give in. and we are self disciplined and expect others to be. and with me you have to jump within a short range of time if you don't go through the loops quick enough your gone! do one thing wrong your gone! I grow to hate most people like my parents have as well. they hate everyone they knew. so does rose. she is the biggest hater out! people don't want to jump to my tune and i don't want kids as much as i used to because its a statement about being rejected. when women are rejected by society and men they turn sour on everyone. I can hate anyone and not care! i only have to answer to god no one else i was told in support group.

I have told mum I don't want her speaking to any of her family to teach them a lesson for abusing me...

Abuse, Hate

i feel guilty about the food i have eaten today breakfast i had 1/4 cup of oats and berries (because i am fat) morning tea i had a maderine lunch i had a crumbed sausage and some yogurt and madarine, afternoon tea i had some crispbread and vegimite dinner i had lean steak and veg and fruit pudding and custard and I feel guilty like a gormandising glutton. i feel guilty for every bit of food i eat, last night i had a small roll with herbs and felt guilty. water is the only thing i don't feel guilty about, or tea with milk.

i feel guilty about the food i have eaten today breakfast i had 1/4 cup of oats and berries (becaus...

Abuse, Hate

you will find rose and dad are worse then me and mum we are the family of the "no fun police" no one has fun here! the most excitement we had was a few years ago midnight mass and one new years eve was looking at the psychic channel and no alcohol we were so bored senseless and a bunch of more the debbie downers here, rose beats all the debbie downers out. dad is in bed by 7pm and read a lot do exercise equipment and the place is a mess. how could it be otherwise with no help. I have to do it all and go to support group to learn how to be human again.

you will find rose and dad are worse then me and mum we are the family of the "no fun police" no one...

Abuse, Hate

I can't get excited about doing this silly design degree no matter how much I try, I am too practical. I spoke to a priest about ideas and he has more of a idea of what I am interested in than that frivolous rubbish of design. I take my mum to church and the ballet and high teas and massages and gym for something to do, we raise money and help out a few charity groups and i need more help then I can give right now. I am so tired and stiff in the back from the rain on my slipped discs and neck aching and all I could do was get home from the wet rain to have some old brandy dark fruit christmas pudding and custard cuz I don't care what people think of me anymore. I rarely wear make up and hit my eye today putting on silly eye liner and those things are just all filled with poison that gets into the skin. I go to boring church or support group meetings and I am a dull person. I don't even drink soft drink or cordial or even juice much - just water or teas, I have a wide variety of teas as does my dad and we all like them, we have a capincino machine we opened at xmas and all these coffee no one uses. I am worried about my persian cat she could have urinary tract infection and my black/chocolate cat is clearly an allergy cat which is stressing me.

I can't get excited about doing this silly design degree no matter how much I try, I am too practica...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

people at support group don't understand why I don't want to go night clubbing right now. I am tired, sore and in pain and worry. I like going to bed at 6pm and reading or having one of my cats cuddled up with me. I prefer more cultural stylish entertainment, I don't watch tv and doing courses is entertainment to me. i exercise and try to eat carefully. I like to enjoy a restful holiday over rowdy noise. I don't understand why people don't get it we all change with age. I am now 46 still childless and no husband or boyfriend and given up, I rarely look in the mirror or only to see if i am working the weights at exercise right. I don't care about looks anymore, just feeling fit. I like massages and facials and relax time over nightclubbing I gave up that short stunt of fun in 2003 when I didnt get what I wanted I stopped giving people what they wanted and just turned cold on everyone. I have to go to support group to learn how to be human and out of the nazi death camp zone.

people at support group don't understand why I don't want to go night clubbing right now. I am tired...

Abuse, Hate