Confessions about 'Hate'

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I found a site where there are a bunch of homestuck rpers...

Hate

I'm not sure why I feel like I don't matter. Actually, I know exactly why I feel this way. I go to work, doing a pointless job. A job I hate, with a team I hate, and a boss I hate. Where nothing I say makes any difference. Then I come home, and my wife treats me the same way. Nothing I say makes any difference. No suggestions I make matter. I don't matter to my mom. I don't matter to my family. I never have. In the end, it's just me. Me and my cat...who my wife wants to kill. In 19 weeks I'm going to have a baby. I should be thrilled. But why would I be when my wife says "it's MY kid", insinuating it's not also mine? Why would I be when I don't have any say in anything that's done for him. I don't get to pick his name. I don't get to pick the nursery. I don't get to pick anything because she has her own ideas, and none of mine matter. I don't matter. How does the life I've worked so hard for, suck so terribly? I want to run away. I want to disappear

I'm not sure why I feel like I don't matter. Actually, I know exactly why I feel this way. I go to w...

Hate

Nobody would believe me but, there's a macabre creepy 60+ man watching me, my private life, a perv and a psychopath. There's this really gruesome side of him from years of accumulated consumed violence, which he is addicted to. But psychopath in this case means: morbid(not as in fat), sordid, macabre, not just without empathy or guilt. Literally gives me nightmares (of the worst sort, the kind you wake up sweating and wanting to hide or run as if the nightmare was still happening), there's a chance he really invaded my normally random dreams and transformed it into a nightmare. I know females are prone to be more paranoid about psychopaths than men but not a paranoid lady here. I have a good grasp on reality. It just happens I am surrounded by danger and a bit of psychopaths here and there. He is not a relative friend or whatever. I am not talking about social media or anything like that I really mean it WATCHING ME. He is waiting for the right moment to catch me. yuk

Nobody would believe me but, there's a macabre creepy 60+ man watching me, my private life, a perv a...

Hate

because of all the ct scans and xrays I had when I was sick I was warned about too much radiology exposure and all the MRIs are not as bad but cost more or the ultrasounds now there is new xrays as well but I have to have a opg done for my dentist and I have bee putting it off and I am always worried about my brain and spine and leg from the car accident, fearing calcification in the tibia I have a dint in the bone and I worry a lot about cancer tumors and I get leg pain and start having bad dreams a lot and fear it so much I have told my gp and specialists a few times how afraid I am, and this fixation of cancer and someone wanting me dead, god knows I have never been allowed to live while alive anyway. so I don't want to die without experiencing something better then the gargable people have dished out at me. I don't have mammograms I just have ultrasounds to avoid the radiology harm and I would give photo-acoustic imaging a go if it reduces radioactivity put on my body because my last ct scan was terrifying afterwards my brain went funny. I don't want to go through that again.

because of all the ct scans and xrays I had when I was sick I was warned about too much radiology ex...

Hate

recently I had a lump come up in the vaginal libia area and my gp gave me some ointment but even now the lump has gone but its itchy and bleeds from toilet paper and sanitary napkins. I want to go back to my specialist in the city but its so expensive all the specialist i see, I need teeth fixed, xrays and bloods and then ent and psychologist and remedial massage and physio, all this adds up. I have to space out appointments to afford them. people don't understand that on a single disability pension i get very limited money. it was even worse when on unemployment and austudy was less again. I regret bothering ever going to university it was the biggest waste of govt money and my time. I should have gone overseas and partied and found a husband back when it was in to marry. I see the mistakes now that I made but I had no proper help from anyone.

recently I had a lump come up in the vaginal libia area and my gp gave me some ointment but even now...

Abuse, Hate

I suspect someone I know stirrs me while I am asleep. Nobody knows this just me. I go to sleep feeling normal, only a bit sleepy of course and weird dreams of needing emergency surgery at my old age. When getting closer to falling asleep I begin feeling afraid and some weird sensation in the middle of my back jerks .However wake up almost EVERYDAY feeling good... something dreams are not upsetting me and jerk happens in my sleep no big deal I go back off snooze. There is a possibility that maybe it is also an finanical worry needing money and social relations that upset me and I wake upset over life and no relationships or baby and doing that. I pray and ask God to protect me from this entity that is stopping love and fortunes coming freely my way because there is a massive abundance out there of it and we are not all looking for the same thing, but not always my faith is enough. I wish this evil thing stopped draining my heart and soul because I cry often alone , every night or when around other people and hide it, I go to the toilet to cry or to a room or away somewhere under a shade.

I suspect someone I know stirrs me while I am asleep. Nobody knows this just me. I go to sleep feeli...

Love, Abuse, Hate

I am sad all the time about my life and I feel embarrassed about my resume and work history and the waste of time university study and why I was never good enough for anything, I feel like I cant have a relationship or baby til I have a job, rick said that is how life is and he is American so it has to be right, so I was told there was no point looking for love or romance or having babies with a job, not that a job helped much anyway and what pitiful efforts that I was doing paralegal/justice diploma and law degree and dropped out after being raped and had a strong I have studied a lot of short courses in health and lots of things and find study online so lonely and I feel my future is depressing with not much hope for skills, employment and relationships without a job your a nobody. I was bullied at Sarina Russo Job access and she made me fat not allowing me to study for 10 years or work or stick to my diet and exercise my back surgeon and psychiatrist wanted me to and she wouldn't allow me to do what I wanted to do. we had no choice she made me go on DEN before I even had a physical illness and would reject doctors advice letters and override them making my life so shut down without marriage, love, romance, fun, social life or income for over a decade that woman abused me like an insane ferret. Now I am 45 no husband no babies and my current doctors have said this has had a psychological hurt for me that these people didn't help me enough and what they did was evil. I left wellington pt family practice due to their laziness and getting my medical records mixed up with another person and their incompetence in treating my child sexual abuse issues and rape and stroke, all round very negligent lazy pathetic doctors there but for Dr Hill, Dr Greenbury and Dr Sarath. not impressed by RSL girl in a million quest and navy for allowing ken carey from hms melville to rape me and would like someone to sue them on my behalf to help me so far no law firm will help no parliamentary minister will help, not even the royal commission into child sexual abuse in institutions will help me and its so frustrating. my father went through the exact same thing being abused and thrown on the job and relationship scrap heap when he was 45 I was thrown there at 25.

I am sad all the time about my life and I feel embarrassed about my resume and work history and the ...

Pride, Hate

Its about time I get it all out of my chest and off my shoulders. I am a messed up person I do believe so, because I take pleasure out of solving puzzles which are people and making games out of it all. My mother has abandoned me and I seek for that love everywhere and I could not find it anywhere, however my grandparents have been here for me my whole life threw thick and thin. I feel as if my mom is to blame for me being wicked and twisted but still I search for that love. I love my grandparents but I want more... Is that so bad?

Its about time I get it all out of my chest and off my shoulders. I am a messed up person I do belie...

Hate

like can you see chuck-da people don't want to be with you, go home to your wife.

Hate, Sex

I don't know why ken keeps doing this to me because we never loved each other or anything like that in the least, but he keeps copying either careers or cars or things about any guy I say I like right. I know he is not Max or Matt or Zyan or Harry or other guys I just like. But I can see he is doing the exact same thing my sister rose does to me that I don't understand. they every guy I said I liked be it one of my teachers or a nutritionist or actor or singer she tries to make out they are her philipino husband and I have told my doctor this. where it doesn't make sense that she was making out that davo was her philipino husband and she enjoyed seeing the girls over the road having sex with him on trampolines anything to stop me from having any man, then she stopped me seeing doctors I liked and teachers and music performers so I don't go to any of those things, if I went to watch the local cricket team she would make out any I liked was her philipino husband, even the police officer I said I liked she did the same thing. she did it with every guy even when she was married to her first husband and I couldn't understand it. saying I was not allowed to go out with this robert from my school days just because his sister used to tease her so I said OK, and left. then I liked a few university teachers and she didn't like that either. and then she was sometimes trying to push her first husband on to me or his friends and I didn't understand why she was doing this. none of it made any sense. then bec was pushing rick and katy togehter and then katy was pushing trevor and ally together so I just pushed them all with each other as well and kept my distance and left and moved on as they say. I am sick of ken spastic loser good for nothing commenting about any man I like because its none of his business who I get involved with. its nothing to do with him at all. I want nothing to do with a loser rapist who didn't even get me to medical help after I had a stroke a normal moral person wouldn't have even did what he did. the useless spastic I am above ken and rose and their dirty tricks with that ugly Johnny Depp - anna-maria and nadine like spastic depp I fucking well do not. and I know he is playing games with this orlando character and I am getting sick of their whole shit. I yelled at jenny one time before over all this shit with her cunt Philipino fuckos scum scammos. I yelled at rose and jenny both with their childishness when they are two spastic dogs anyway.

I don't know why ken keeps doing this to me because we never loved each other or anything like that ...

Abuse, Hate

now you're supposed to say "Oh dear lord what have I done!"

Hate

I wonder why I try for love or work. I dressed well and talked normal and nothing was ever good enough. NOT ACCEPTING THE BULLDERDUST GAMES OF GUPPY CHARCRUST.

I wonder why I try for love or work. I dressed well and talked normal and nothing was ever good enou...

Hate

I have screwed around all day doing things at the last minute. cooking and cleaning took the kids up to have a swim at the local pools and back. but all I did was dangle my foot in and talk to the guard who was boring.

I have screwed around all day doing things at the last minute. cooking and cleaning took the kids up...

Pride, Hate

heathers advice caused me a lot of problems telling me to spend every afternoon pleasuring myself, all through my 20s, 30s and most of my 40s, as if that queer ugly had such grand advice for what she was doing was like I was on parole with her at russos and none of it made sense. I didn't want to see her and everytime I did have to or have to go to russo I would pretend I was someone else to hide the pain, the dread of going there and always being told your never good enough for 10 years really mentally effected me. I was not allowed a boyfriend, or to work because they got money to keep me on their books, so it all sounds strange. but so immoral and isn't about time someone other then me paid. like I really think these assholes should be punished, the sad thing is everywhere, for years everyone knows that the bad people and the bullies are winning in this world for the last 17 or 25 years it's the bullies who have won over the abused. I wish I had the guts to be a bully and bitch and I wish someone would help me be a winner. anyway, I think heathers advice was dumb, she gave me no choice because I was not even allowed a massage while seeing her, I was not allowed new clothes, or perfume or outings my life was around russos and her for 5 years and russos 5 years before that. we were to look for 20 plus jobs a week and show them the sheets of jobs and phone numbers we had contacted, we were not allowed relationships or dates out, we were not allowed sex or marriage or babies, I can't work out how russos were allowed to get away with this. why this crazy spastic ugly butchy dog old witch bitch was allowed to pick and choose who she bullied and she bullied a lot of people there. the woman is a nutcase. she should be locked up in a padded cell or something. crazed mad woman from hell. some imported greazy slag from lebinon that should be up on human rights abuse charges. when will it happen?

heathers advice caused me a lot of problems telling me to spend every afternoon pleasuring myself, a...

Pride, Hate

I'm glad Trump stepped up and told that fool it was a dumb agreement, there was no agreement ever in the first place from this end!

I'm glad Trump stepped up and told that fool it was a dumb agreement, there was no agreement ever in...

Hate

-Wife-fucked-by-beast-while-husband-away- yeh I was someone elses wife and raped by a creepy beast called ken I didn't even like. I wanted by someone else, I wanted someone else. I was promising someone else and he was promising me, no one asked for ken to get in the way, we just don't want ken in the way and making comments about the men I go out with or about me, or what we do, just go away and dont come back and stop pretending to be some yellow doctor and vet and whatever else you pretend you are with all your fake names. what if my husband was to chase you away ken. cuz he will. just move on, we all want to move on.

-Wife-fucked-by-beast-while-husband-away- yeh I was someone elses wife and raped by a creepy beast...

Abuse, Hate

I have only had sex less then the digets on one hand each time being raped dirtily for hours was not my idea of fun. but then I had nothing much to compare it to anyway. as a virgin female when this happened, all I can say is its not a woman's fantasy to go through this, it might be a mans but its not a females. I was really after normalizing concepts like dates out before sex and being treated like important to the guy, flowers and a ring and necklance (it doesn't have to be expensive), dinners and fun times, going out and getting dressed up to a night out on the town as they say, sharing time going out together like walking the dog or going to the park or gym together, going out and staying over and sleep overs and some party fun and this guy couldn't give me those things that I wanted. like I wanted a guy with me holding my hand when I was sick and when I was wanting some fun. life is not just a carasel ride you know and this guy couldn't give me what a better man could, who had time to give me not just dirty raw vulgar agro wrestling weirdo sex on top of cupboard and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say or do sexually, what was right or wrong, I just didn't know!

I have only had sex less then the digets on one hand each time being raped dirtily for hours was not...

Hate, Sex

I am glad on thursday that this bus driver went off at these brats from the high school down the back. long over due. they needed chastising for poor performance and letting the team down.

I am glad on thursday that this bus driver went off at these brats from the high school down the bac...

Hate

ut the world has become extremely lackluster to me. i can't bring myself to enjoy any of the things Hahaha this guy is a moron. So because the Nazi's ruled for what all of 4 or 5 years it makes them like Trump. So if Bernie Sanders ever became President it would make him a Nazi? haha that shows the level of intellect in the American education system. I am not bombing any cities and Trump is bombing cities to protect those people from themselves that is how he sleeps at night. It isn't our fight why should we have to pay for it when us being there is an act of compassion? i usually love or even dislike any of the things i hated? the only thing left is the overwhelming sense of confusion and anxiety. does anyone know how to get rid of this? i feel so fake and empty.

ut the world has become extremely lackluster to me. i can't bring myself to enjoy any of the things ...

Hate

been out exercising all day came home and ate steak and veg, I burnt my mouth the food was so hot but I was so starved hardly ate all day.

been out exercising all day came home and ate steak and veg, I burnt my mouth the food was so hot bu...

Hate