I am depressed :-(

I woke up really sick yesterday morning I was having a meltdown panic attack over it. I got up and I was flat out walking to the toilet and so incredibly dizzy and nauseated and had some gastro as well. I was beside myself crying that the mastoid infection thing could happen again or the RN said could I have had food poisoning because I told her I had had jauntis a few weeks ago bit was just in around the eyes and I get that from time to time. anyway before I rang the doctor I remembered I had some tablets for dizzy spells so I took 1 cuz my gp isn't back from holiday yet if I get really sick I will call a home doctor or go down to the VP24 they are better then the stupid hospital. I was crying tonight because I don't want to die from this thing and I have to go to hospital soon for something I can't talk about anyway. I don't want to die. I don't want to go through it again like last time. I would kill myself then go through it again. I said that back in 2000 after that huge middle ear infection I used to lay over the side of the bed facing the floor crying all day and all night for over 6 years and I thought that was bad enough. I thought i was gonna die then but each time it has got worse. I fear so much. I got to cope some how all alone in this. no one is gonna care when i die. no one has ever cared about me. I just don't want to have anymore senseless injections of shit in me and no more xrays and ct scans of my brain etc. Mri's fine but like the RN said for me not to take anymore tablets incase the doctor fines something more wrong but I have to go to hospital in a few weeks time for something else. I can't have all these problems, sure this was not as bad as when I needed the ambulance with my brain swelling after i washed my hair and everything was double and I couldn't walk straight for weeks. I used to slide side ways up and down the hall way checking on my mothers breathing a dozen times a night when I was really sick. I have to go to hospital in a few weeks and I don't want anyone worrying about me. I am alone in this illness and i am coping as best as i can. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoG4z3c-rZY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgp2gheUjLA Rn asked me if I have recently hit my head, "hit my head, I can't remember! since the car accident" but usually its the dam cupboard in the kitchen I hit my head on or something else inflicted. but I am feeling a bit better today anyway.

I woke up really sick yesterday morning I was having a meltdown panic attack over it. I got up and I...

I want police and ambulance and doctors to treat me better. I am sick of being treated like nothing. even at university and school I was treated like nothing. i am the brick that got lost on the wall. I guessed what I thought i knew more then I was told, so I really am "our lady of assumption" in all ways. lol

I want police and ambulance and doctors to treat me better. I am sick of being treated like nothing...

i never put myself out there or flirt if i am thin or fat, but being overweight i didn't put myself out there at parties on the ship i could have because i see myself as disgustingly ugly. i met a really nice doctor on the ship and his partner from russia and they were so nice she was taller then me but blumpy but i see her as exotic with her culture and his culture from another part of the world I can't remember where, but he was perfect and to me i just see this ugly old fat unhappy sad, lonely, no hoper that every one hates and i hate my body deeply. i think most overweight lonely people with illness don't embrace this fat body love crap and fat acceptance stuff. most fat people are deeply unhappy, the only benefit to being fat is, people don't bother you for sex or annoy you when your thin they expect you to hand out sex and smiles and flirts everywhere when your fat they expect you to be unhappy and sad and depressed and quiet and that is my true character, i have been more depressed in my life then anything else even with money or without money. flirting is not my thing. i am very matter of fact and business like with men. i only ever tried flirting for about 1- 2 year zone when i was 3-32 because i was thin. but even as a teen and young woman i never flirted and prefered to study and be alone with my cats and i mean it was clear men didn't like me and all the useless unwanted ugly old men would bother me. now they pick up the fuck off sign i were on my forhead everywhere i go. i am not interested at all til i am the person i want to be then i will let love in. another guy in support group feels the same way, he said "if i have no job then i won't allow myself a relationship and i am the same", it makes people realise you are not gonna just take what comes or sell yourself up or down for just sex. i am not interested in him he is way too old for me. my attitude is no career and no thinness no flirting and no sex and i place a price of currancy on everything about me when it is how i want it then i might flirt, but without a job your a nothing even if thin or family money, or university you're a nothing without a big job. i never paid for any dates with any men. i never made others a slave to me i would say others tried to make me a slave to them and i won't be that. they can be there own slaves. the presumption that anyone expected anything of a loser like ken just shows what a idiot he is. I am fat and ugly as he was then when he raped me and there is no hot young virgin male around for me to rape? and no one especially me, i never asked a spastic old scum to help me, he took. I was thin and single and deserved better only other people couldn't see that. i could see i deserved better, it was other people forcing things i didn't want like fat dog bec and rick and katy and i told police i have every reason to believe ken ken rick and katy and bec and all that group, its likely he knew joyce and william and others. my guess is william got him to rape me as that is the evil sort of person william is. I don't ever want to see him again because i do believe he was the one who caused all this. there was always something evil about that family and still is. i am exactally how others wanted my life to be, i stay in bed all day every day unless i need to go to the doctor or out for something. i don't talk much to people. I avoid a lot of people and i am recluse and shy again just like i was when bill abused me and ron assaulted me, they made me feel ugly. only a ugly girl gets molested by ugly old men. only ugly girls get raped by ugly fat men. only ugly girls get illnesses and only ugly girls get ignored and jobless and have no friends. its like roy sings 'only the lonely, is ugly... only the ugly" !!! and this ugly old witch dog pig faced redhead is not flirting with anyone and is openly rude sometimes if i can get away with it to certain people. i have accepted my lot in life of misery lonlenss and ugliness. only ugly people get abused as kids, or they end up ugly for being abused as kids. that is just nature and life sorting each other out. like when animals dump their young that are deformed, well it will die anyone so the mother rejects it. you have to learn to thing self self self. what is in it for me, how can i benefit from everything. being ugly and abused by ugly is a sign of gods hate for you! that is all the therapy I ever knew.

i never put myself out there or flirt if i am thin or fat, but being overweight i didn't put myself ...