I am depressed :-(

I cried and said goodbye to my mother and my cat and cried and said "mum I have to go to hospital I can't get out of it this time there are brain injuries now and mastoid mri's and heart and blood tests and all my records went with me. sometimes I just want to find that ambulance guy or the police man I liked. all I really wanted to do was for someone to hold me. inside I was screaming in fear of death. This time at the hospital it will be ok. I can cope better anyway, it will be a while before I see any surgeon. every time I go near that hospital I cry cuz I really thought I would die. my mum couldn't understand why I felt like I was wanting to go to hospital or be near ambulance people but there were times I couldn't breath and then I woke up to something a ambulance officer asked me one night "have you got a uti or has anyone else in the house got uti" I was complaining of constant urination flow and vomiting and pain in the neck when I moved it and one night I couldn't swallow it was extremely painful it took about 30 mins to be able to swallow without water and I literally held my tongue in my front teeth of fear of swallowing it due to the spasm and choking swelling from something. that night I swear I seen some hooded dark ghost in the window of the ambulance I never told anyone but it felt too unreal ever tell a soul.

I cried and said goodbye to my mother and my cat and cried and said "mum I have to go to hospital I ...

i use my own "clinical" judgment now, my doctor wanted me to go have Ctscan on my sinuses and I said no, too much radiation exposure in 2014 I will wait to see what the surgeon/specialist says first.

i use my own "clinical" judgment now, my doctor wanted me to go have Ctscan on my sinuses and I said...

its a good thing I love my cats they cost us over $2,500 in the last few weeks and I need a holiday or a wage or something. I wish they could pay for their keep. all I do is apply for stupid jobs and never get a look in the door and I am sick of it. even when I had cancer I applied for jobs. even on disability I applied for jobs living in hope life could get better. I think its a sure guarentee that I won't marry or have kids or work full time or graduate from university - university was a complete waste of time and engery. I had to do something its not like I had hot guys after me. no one ever put in a huge effort to show any heart or ask me out like they ment it. I am sick of being abused. people wonder why i am celibate most of my life, but I was a virgin til 29 and had no job that I wanted to have. I didn't have privilege. no one ever saw value or competency in me but sandy when I was young. no one asked me what subjects at school i was good at and aim for work in that. I was told to just get any job the lowest possible casual part time hotel room cleaner apart from selling programs at sporting events and pocket money jobs, that is all its ever been pocket money jobs. at least i did save some while doing hotel work but it was hard on my back, near bloody killed me doing that work from 6am til 3 or 4 pm some days. I was lucky if I got home after 4 even if i finished at 2pm cuz of trains, university I had to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours home every freaking day. what for? to be treated like this? I never asked for this sort of life. no one said to me "if your good at bookkeeping go do that or go try something in retail etc" it was like joyce was like, "do the lowest level work cuz that is all you are and can hope for cuz you are shit" that was the message i picked up from her all the time. you can't have a police man or a male model or a doctor or anything I have. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwViQxSJJQ joyce was standing in my front yard laughing putting me down, telling me how I am such a fool, I would never have a man like her. every woman did that to me but a few. joyce must know about me, what I do. since I am not your everything as a client and client loyalty, replacing you has been easier then I ever imagined.

its a good thing I love my cats they cost us over $2,500 in the last few weeks and I need a holiday ...