I am depressed :-(

i hate the way this house looks and smells like an old mans house, junk everywhere, he scatters shirts and books everywhere, listens to the radio to morbid wasted drivle and thinks we are weird going to flower shows and gardening and if I study its like "why are you doing that?" yeh, why, none of it ever got me a freaking job or man so why am I bothering?" I really want to go to the library and study, I am sick of teaching myself and I want a proper teacher who wants to teach and help genuinely. who has the time and care to want to teach.

i hate the way this house looks and smells like an old mans house, junk everywhere, he scatters shir...

I got a nice dress and jacket today I just need to be asked out to wear it or just go out in it for fun.

I got a nice dress and jacket today I just need to be asked out to wear it or just go out in it for...

when I was thin guys were giving me advice about how I should put on weight and stop exercising and stop studying and I don't know what they expected me to do because they themselves didn't want me they just wanted to give advice and play a authoritive role that was boring to me, they would even say "oh you should be going out having sex more" but it was like "oh but not with me!" even the guy who date raped me he was like "you should be having sex more with guys and I will go check them out for you" and I thought "well why do you think you need to be so controlling you complete loser who has no sexual skills eventhough you think you do?" I thought what kind of dwip loser will he put me with some gorilla who is uneducated and lacking class and style? and so what before I was too thin now people say I am too fat, I called lazy, too busy and trying to do too much and fit in too much workload to down right lazy, boring to over excited, chatty to too shy and quiet. i mean I met guys in night clubs who didn't want to ask me out but wanted to get their mate to go out with me and I thought well why then don't you find an excuse to bring your mate over to talk to me where I feel safe and comfortable? I sometimes wonder what men are thinking? most times my attitude is "sex - thank god that is over and done with!" or just afraid to express much incase men i like don't like me. men always want to give advice but they are seriously bad at taking advice. I have told some guys who ask me for girl help... just be yourself! most girls will like you if you are nice to them, one guy i had to convince him to stop looking at every girl as if "she is such a snob look at her she thinks she is too good for me, her face is so stuck up in the air" and I said "most girls are really afraid to show kindness or even politeness and friendliness because they are afraid of men who go just too far, you smile and the next thing they are faceplanted into your bra which no girl wants. they want to get to know you. and its rubbish about girls decide within 5 seconds of meeting a guy if she will shag him, bullshit, she will make that decision 5mins after she has met you and hope to see you again, or at least I do if I am seriously in deep like of the guy because you don't want to come across like cheap and most women like a man that warms them to romance and courtship not forced into it. that is why it felt so wrong with k because i was not ready not interested and it was just a bullied into thing I would never do again. i have seriously learnt a lesson from that never ever go against your gut feelings, if are too sick to go to a cocktail party and they won't take no for an answer and make a time to see you when you feel better then forget it, all you will do is drink on top of heavy pills and get sick and vomit and get drunk too quick and do things you won't normally do and feel pressurized so I learnt that. never again! especially when the guy I wanted to meet that night no one introduced me to and no single guys would talk to me and if people arrange a party make sure you make people miggle and talk and dance and not just sit in one spot, make them move around and place nibbles in different parts of the area so they have to move to them and pass people and talk, have games or a prize. never ever have a party when no one is communicating and its strained its not worth it! you can tell a guy planned that party.

when I was thin guys were giving me advice about how I should put on weight and stop exercising and ...