Confessions about 'Hate'

Page 189 of 244

so my cousin kept sending me all this vulgar stuff all the time- "stop raping micheal" about her husband and she is a complete barbie doll mindless bitch mental disorder sorry to say it, but few people are as bitch and narcissistic personality disorder or something as this woman. mum said she had no right sending shit like that to me with all my abuse issues, my brother and his wife wrecked my car and a heap of things had me looking after their little child for nothing when I was also looking after mum after her breast cancer and trying to study and had no personal support over being raped and having a stroke myself, and I am sick of people not putting my feelings first more often. I count just as much as you dull aches that abuse me.

so my cousin kept sending me all this vulgar stuff all the time- "stop raping micheal" about her hus...

Abuse, Hate

dog eating shit!

Hate

go and drop dead john and karen and kids. I often hope you will all die in a explosion. and all my relatives be left to float in space in a concord to die there. I just want them all to die and I want to be protected from their abuse and mum and dad understand why.

go and drop dead john and karen and kids. I often hope you will all die in a explosion. and all my r...

Abuse, Hate

I was 19 after the car accident and I would get server heart pain just out of the blue with jaw and arm and vien pain and I would tell my mum and all she would do is yell and get violent and get angry at me, that is all she knows or she just feels nothing like nothing matters. she would attack me for being sick and I don't understand it. its not normal for a parent to be that way. I think its aspie autistic and abusive. I couldn't do that to my child, but I guess that is why I could never tell her about bill molesting me when I was young. no one mattered but rose in the family. I have spent the last 45 years of my life with my older sister abusing me, she would not even allow my mother to come to the baby ward to see me. its not normal. my sister spits hate at me all the time and I want someone to make her stop it and she needs to be told by someone I need love to. she keeps getting married all the time and she gets sex she has to learn to see me being loved and learn to live with it. I had to see her being loved and she needs to learn to allow her sister to be loved and stop trying to kill me. she threw sawdust in my eyes as a child and my brother and his wife have done satanic violence on me as well that is why we want nothing to do with them. my parents want nothing to do with my brother and his whore wife, that dirty whore- I knew that whore was trouble. I just knew joyce would support anyone but me she is so mentally ill.

I was 19 after the car accident and I would get server heart pain just out of the blue with jaw and ...

Hate

i can't think about death, I won't listen to talk about people dead on tv and I just walk away. I can't cope with it. people can't cope and help me so I can't help and cope with others. its as simple as that. spent all my life being there as a strength for others mind always alert to emergency health issues and all my mother can do is hell at me ever since the car accident I complain about chest pain. she yells and gets angry at me or she will sleep sound as a baby - its happy its got her daughters life fucked up and messed up don't worry, I wake in pain and she doesn't want to know about it. I am a burden to her with my health and pain and she attacks me for being ill or in pain. only she can get sick. not me. I have no rights to be loved, have a baby, have a husband I love, a job, a house of my own, so she can relive her youth and its driving me insane. I don't know why I am being forced to suffer this out. I don't want to live out my diary I wrote 25 years ago. I shouldn't have to wait for my parents to die before I am good enough for a white man to marry me. i am sick of this. my family are killing me. my neighbors are killing me. everyone is killing me by not allowing me my life! a job a husband a house of my own, friends. I am sick of haivng to be last on the list to make everyone else feel better when I am more deserving then them.

i can't think about death, I won't listen to talk about people dead on tv and I just walk away. I ca...

Pride, Hate

I feel so so sad that I could cope with being there for sabi when she died. I truely wanted to be. I wanted to hold her in my arms but the longer I stayed the more she got upset in another room without me and they let me see her in a humidity crib and and she was struggling some much to breath and her heart was going on her the more I got upset and I had to say good bye to her. I felt so awful I haven't stopped hating the world and hating people since she died. hating everyone who has abused me when I was sick for so long even before hospital visits all the time I knew something was wrong because I came home from the gp one day and my legs were really weak and I thought god I am gonna die. I don't regret getting simeon who is related to sabby and I love him. he would sleep in my arms when I was sick every day til I was like too sick and I smelt bad and he wouldn't come near me. I knew someone was trying to kill me, and simeon got sick and the vet had to give him daily injections of electrolites and I cried a lot. I don't understand why i have never been good enough for any man and why I have attracted losers who act stupid and fat and bullying and yobo when that is not me. I struggle a lot with back pain, chest pain and brain/ear pain. I worry about tumors all the time there is not a day I am not worried about my health. I don't even believe pathology results or much the doctors tell me. I struggle some days breathing and its like my brain does literally forget to breathe - a lot of people don't understand this. its like sleep paralysis and i sometimes wake with chest pain moaning in pain or feels like I m having a seisure in my sleep and can't move and I am calling out "help me help me" I can open my eyes but can't move, then the depression hits, I still hate early mornings since being ill seeing a sunrise as the ambulance took me into the hospital at that ugly big hosptial in the city was so creepy deathly. I don't want to experience that ever again.

I feel so so sad that I could cope with being there for sabi when she died. I truely wanted to be. I...

Hate

i bought this lounge chair for like $3000 and I hate it. only the cat sleeps on it or my dad. i just hate everything I bought in furniture I hate things I used to love. material things that make me sick really. when I was sick is all I can remember when I see that big big chair.

i bought this lounge chair for like $3000 and I hate it. only the cat sleeps on it or my dad. i just...

Hate

I think isabella would have grown up to be a whoredog and liar bratz whore like her mother joyce.

Hate

no guy is gonna want me I am too old for that now, and its bs that confidence is attractive. people put up slogans of all kinds but you can't live by one alone. I am not on fire for jesus! sorry but as I am getting older and more and more abused I am losing my faith in god. god is not enough for me. sorry but I am just as worthy as all the other women and I am more worthy for the abuse I have been through. I am more worthy then these whores, but that is not even gonna be enough, it never was enough and it never will be enough. its like these churches I always felt you had to prove your faith in catholic or any church. well I have had my own church at home for the last 35 years and you don't believe it go shove it! but I don't have much faith in god anymore.

no guy is gonna want me I am too old for that now, and its bs that confidence is attractive. people ...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

no guy is gonna want me I am too old for that now, and its bs that confidence is attractive. people put up slogans of all kinds but you can't live by one alone. I am not on fire for jesus! sorry but as I am getting older and more and more abused I am losing my faith in god. god is not enough for me. sorry but I am just as worthy as all the other women and I am more worthy for the abuse I have been through. I am more worthy then these whores, but that is not even gonna be enough, it never was enough and it never will be enough. its like these churches I always felt you had to prove your faith in catholic or any church. well I have had my own church at home for the last 35 years and you don't believe it go shove it! but I don't have much faith in god anymore.

no guy is gonna want me I am too old for that now, and its bs that confidence is attractive. people ...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

I refuse to be comforted! what is the point?

Hate

I hate knots.

Hate

i hate bus drivers.

Hate

all they say is "nothing matters" yeh well you don't matter! your never gonna matter in our world ever again.

all they say is "nothing matters" yeh well you don't matter! your never gonna matter in our world ev...

Abuse, Hate

i hate ricky and jason. what liars.

Hate

I gave my old mini to a wreckers when I could have sold it for a few thousand, so don't say I don't give.

I gave my old mini to a wreckers when I could have sold it for a few thousand, so don't say I don't ...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

you don't matter, your dirty royal ass doesn't matter to me I hate all the abuse you did to me. you don't matter to me at all. I hope you all die in hell you created.

you don't matter, your dirty royal ass doesn't matter to me I hate all the abuse you did to me. you ...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

some days I used to think "well if I die today I die, so long as I feed my cats" after the car accident and different times I was sick with heart problems and they always paint things over at the cardiologist as "its all great so why aren't you smiling?" you can't attack and abuse people for decades and give them an anti-depressant to smile when the abuse is always there, no releif from her abuse and so on, I won't expect anyone to love or care for me ever again. I don't want abusive people around me which is why I left those abusive violent churches that talk spew violence in biblical form also. i just don't want to be around idiots playing games anymore. I accept I will never marry or have children. I have wondered if I will have a short life a lot even in my twenties that was on my mind a lot. I knew it was just me, no one was ever gonna care about this ugly dog loser young thin pretty old or fat clever or dumb, I was always ment to be unloved. some people have all the fun and luck while others dont. I hated everything david bowie and his dirties did to me, those choirs. the church idiots, the doctors and dull evil ambulance wankers not even people. my cats shit is better then them.

some days I used to think "well if I die today I die, so long as I feed my cats" after the car accid...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

revenge is bs. I never knew why louise was out to revenge me. I did nothing wrong to her. the girl was spoilt and selfish and nuts. her and bugsy were narcissistic freaks. if they stopped going through diaries and butting in where they are not welcome that would help a lot. all my relatives have no concept of boundaries, that is why I want nothing to do with them and mum and dad feel the same way, they don't want to know my brother and I don't want to know them. I don't want anything from any of my relatives. my family is the immediate family in the house that is it. we too old to change. we don't want to mix with any of them ever again. I just don't want to see cousins and people who left me behind. they are behind me for a reason.! they mean nothing to me or mum or dad. my parents have no feelings for my brother and his kids at all. I told aaron don't call me or talk to me again. and that is how it has to be. my older sister has been abusing me violently everytime she gets married or divorced and she takes everything anyone does out on me since the day I was born. I don't have to forgive or love. I don't love my older sister anymore and she has abused me, dad and mum too much. she takes everything out on us and my doctors support me on this.

revenge is bs. I never knew why louise was out to revenge me. I did nothing wrong to her. the girl w...

Pride, Abuse, Hate

I hate knots.

Hate